I Wish You Knew...

I don't know why you're in my head constantly. I don't understand it.. But what I am constantly wondering is if I'm in your head as much as you are. Probably not.. It gets on my nerves always thinking about you. When I have absolutely no reason to. And if you knew, it would probably bother you. Cause we didn't know each other that well.

The one thing I do know is that you could make me smile, a lot. A lot more then I have in a long time. And I think I've even made you smile. Maybe. I don't know if there ever would of been an "us" but either way that would of been okay with me. Cause I think no matter what you could make me smile. And I wish you knew that. But I can't tell you. Because of the way things ended. Ended before it even begun. Which sucks cause you didn't deserve it. And I still feel bad about it.. I wonder if you can tell I'm thinking about you?

So I've recently been told that I ain't changed, that I am the same person that I was two years ago, and I don't think that's true, because of what I've been going through emotionally the last week or so if I was the person I was two years ago, then things would be a lot worse then they feel like they are right now. Because I would of done been doing things that I know I shouldn't be doing, if I was that same person. So I don't think that I am. I know I ain't who I want to be yet, but I still have a lot of growing to do, a lot changing, I never claimed to be perfect. I never said other people should be either. So it kind of hurts to think that some people think that I haven't changed over the years. But then I think that maybe they just don't see it.

And after everything that has been going on with the "in law" I am over it, I doubt she'll ever change, and if she does then good for her, but I don't want to be anything like her, so even though it's hard, and if I think about it to much it still makes me angry, I have decided to forgive her, and let it go. So in my attempt to let it go. We actually talked today. I don't know whether it's a good idea or not, but I get tired of fighting with people. I still have my issues, but maybe in time things will get better. I wish she would realize though that even though her parent's sucked at raising her. That my parent's are not hers. They are her in laws. And maybe I need to get over that but it bugs me, and it bugs me bad.

I think I have insomnia again, considering it's 4 am and I have yet to go to bed. If I do fall asleep, I'm either having nightmares of some sort, or for some reason, she's in my dreams, talking to me, like everything was normal, like I never walked away. And I don't know if that's weird or not, but I think that is how my brain is wired.

I don't handle big groups of people well I never have, even far back as I can remember, they have always freaked me out and gave me really bad anxiety, which I think maybe part of my problem of why I don't spend enough time with my family, cause I do have a large family and as much as I love them, us all being in the same room, gives me more anxiety then I can handle most of the time, its only very rare occasions that I can handle it, I forced myself to handle it today. And all that did was end in giving me more anxiety then I wanted. But I got through that on my own to. If I can't handle big group's of people then how can I handle the outside world on my own?

I just want this week to be over, cause then it'll be a different month, and I think maybe that I can start handling things better, after all february has always been a pretty bad month for me anyway. I've been missing Garrett and Tina a lot lately, two people that got me through more then I am sure they will ever know, and some days I just want to talk to them, tell them whats going on, so they can tell me what I am suppose to do cause I think I am failing at this thing we call life..

I wish I lived in a state it actually rained and stormed. Then maybe I could sleep, and then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here writing, and listening to "rainstorm" on youtube. I guess I am going to stop rambling for now...

As it says.

I wish you knew...

What you was starting to mean to me. Even in that short amount of time.

I Don't Understand...

Why you're in my head.

You sure won't go away though. We knew each other what three weeks? Maybe four. It seemed to be working though, so I don't know what happened. But you sure are stuck in my head. Why? What it is about you?

Part of me wants you to go away. The other part don't want you too.. Either way I don't think you will...

I'm beginning to think to think there was a reason you showed up, I just didn't see it then. Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows.

Maybe it is true. About being the dreaming of a person.. I don't know. You sure won't come back on your own to prove it.