I Wish You Knew...

I don't know why you're in my head constantly. I don't understand it.. But what I am constantly wondering is if I'm in your head as much as you are. Probably not.. It gets on my nerves always thinking about you. When I have absolutely no reason to. And if you knew, it would probably bother you. Cause we didn't know each other that well.

The one thing I do know is that you could make me smile, a lot. A lot more then I have in a long time. And I think I've even made you smile. Maybe. I don't know if there ever would of been an "us" but either way that would of been okay with me. Cause I think no matter what you could make me smile. And I wish you knew that. But I can't tell you. Because of the way things ended. Ended before it even begun. Which sucks cause you didn't deserve it. And I still feel bad about it.. I wonder if you can tell I'm thinking about you?

So I've recently been told that I ain't changed, that I am the same person that I was two years ago, and I don't think that's true, because of what I've been going through emotionally the last week or so if I was the person I was two years ago, then things would be a lot worse then they feel like they are right now. Because I would of done been doing things that I know I shouldn't be doing, if I was that same person. So I don't think that I am. I know I ain't who I want to be yet, but I still have a lot of growing to do, a lot changing, I never claimed to be perfect. I never said other people should be either. So it kind of hurts to think that some people think that I haven't changed over the years. But then I think that maybe they just don't see it.

And after everything that has been going on with the "in law" I am over it, I doubt she'll ever change, and if she does then good for her, but I don't want to be anything like her, so even though it's hard, and if I think about it to much it still makes me angry, I have decided to forgive her, and let it go. So in my attempt to let it go. We actually talked today. I don't know whether it's a good idea or not, but I get tired of fighting with people. I still have my issues, but maybe in time things will get better. I wish she would realize though that even though her parent's sucked at raising her. That my parent's are not hers. They are her in laws. And maybe I need to get over that but it bugs me, and it bugs me bad.

I think I have insomnia again, considering it's 4 am and I have yet to go to bed. If I do fall asleep, I'm either having nightmares of some sort, or for some reason, she's in my dreams, talking to me, like everything was normal, like I never walked away. And I don't know if that's weird or not, but I think that is how my brain is wired.

I don't handle big groups of people well I never have, even far back as I can remember, they have always freaked me out and gave me really bad anxiety, which I think maybe part of my problem of why I don't spend enough time with my family, cause I do have a large family and as much as I love them, us all being in the same room, gives me more anxiety then I can handle most of the time, its only very rare occasions that I can handle it, I forced myself to handle it today. And all that did was end in giving me more anxiety then I wanted. But I got through that on my own to. If I can't handle big group's of people then how can I handle the outside world on my own?

I just want this week to be over, cause then it'll be a different month, and I think maybe that I can start handling things better, after all february has always been a pretty bad month for me anyway. I've been missing Garrett and Tina a lot lately, two people that got me through more then I am sure they will ever know, and some days I just want to talk to them, tell them whats going on, so they can tell me what I am suppose to do cause I think I am failing at this thing we call life..

I wish I lived in a state it actually rained and stormed. Then maybe I could sleep, and then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here writing, and listening to "rainstorm" on youtube. I guess I am going to stop rambling for now...

As it says.

I wish you knew...

What you was starting to mean to me. Even in that short amount of time.