It's Amazing What You Think Of...

When you can't sleep. I can't sleep. My mind is filled with thoughts, thought's I have no answers to. Thought's I do not want answers to.
So why think about them? What is the point? I don't understand it. I want to understand it. I want to understand a lot, but I don't but that's because some thing's that go on in my mind, I can't talk about, with anybody. It's not that I don't want to. I just can't.

I stop myself, I feel like I am pushing my best friend away, or that their walking away. But I don't understand why, and I know what they will say. And maybe it's true, maybe I am over reacting, maybe I'm not but I don't want to lose that person, regardless.

It's just, a rough patch I keep telling myself, it'll be over soon, I keep telling myself that to. But will it? Because if it will, it needs to be over soon. Because I can't handle much more of this, and I don't think anybody else can either.

My mind, goes from good, to bad, to good again, to something slipping in my brain, to it being okay again.

I can be so mean when I wanna be,
I am capable of really anything,
I can cut you into pieces, 
When my heart is, broken.

I am still broken, not because of past relationships or anything. I have always felt broken, even when I was little, something always felt off. Broke, like it couldn't be fixed. People over the years, so many, have tried fixing me, and for a while it works, for a while, I'm glued together. But some how some way, I always pull the glue off, bit by bit, I shatter.

Why? I don't have an answer for that.. Do I like being fixed over, and over again? Not really. I am glad that I have a few people in my life, that actually care enough to try. I don't like being fixed, and I don't like being this broken, I don't like feeling like this all the time. I don't like being this lost. I think maybe one day I won't be dark and twisty, and I will be coming out of that stage. But will I? Will I always be dark and twisty? Is it always going to feel like this? Or am I eventually one day going to find the strength to fix myself, and not just temporary, but for good?

I am really capable of everything, anything, nothing. I am capable of it all. I don't like making the people I care about, feel like I do. I don't like making people think the only reason I talk to them, is when I am bored, because I don't just talk to people when I'm bored, I talk to people all the time, I talk to two people. I talk to my people. Everybody is always talking about having their "person" I don't just have a person, I have two. I don't know if I am suppose to have two, but their both my best friend's but one is also my sister. We're not related, but that don't matter to me, because sometime's blood don't matter, sometime's the only thing that matter's is being able to find somebody that you can talk to like that. And no matter what she is my sister, and I am grateful that she is there, and I don't know if she'll ever know how much she truly means to me, I don't think either of my people will know how much they mean to me. But regardless, I am thankfully I have found two people in my life, that I can talk to about anything.

Why don't I talk about the broken part of me? That part is to dark, and to twisty for anybody to have to try to wade through to understand, and it scares them. And sometimes, people just have to let me go through it on my own. Because I make it out on the other side eventually. The not Broken, Dark Twisty, side. I make it out to the okay side. Once in a while, I fall back into that place, but I always come out, okay eventually.

And I don't know how to explain that to people. I don't know how to explain to them, that I need them, there, but I also need to do this on my own, because how can I need them, and do it on my own? I always need them. But I also have to do this on my own.

When I say that you can't fix me, I truly mean it, but it doesn't mean that I don't appreciate you trying. Because I do more then you will ever know.

Lately there has been a lot of talk about what is going to happen in my life, and what other people think that I need to do with my life. My parent's think that I need to be on a check, for something that was not in my control. I have fought hard, for that to not be the only thing people see about me. I have fought hard all my life, for that. And yet, some people that is still all they see. I am so much more then that though, but what am I? I still have no answer for that question. And if they don't think that then they also think that I need to go into dispatching, or become a home health nurse apparently. I do not want to go into dispatching or whatever else stupid idea people come up with.

People wonder why I like doctor shows so much? Does that not give you a clue? Has that never given you a clue. And I know, that I am not able to, and I am okay with that. I'm good at nursing, I am good, at making sure people have their meds, I am good at making sure other people are okay. I am good at making sure, people eat, and take caring care of people. So that isn't really a bad idea, but there are also some concerns about how I can't handle it, and one of those concerns are also my own. Because even if I actually thought about going into Home Health, I myself do not think that I could handle it. Even if I would like to.

How am I suppose to become anything, if my education is so screwed up? My brother is almost thirty, he's two years off from it, and he is just now getting his education fixed. And even though he don't know it, and he will probably never know it, I am so proud of him for that. Yes I want to take the steps into fixing my education, and one day I will. When it is time. Everything is always a process with me. I'm good at web design. I don't do it very often anymore, but I am good at it. So if I went into anything, that is what I would do. Because you also make good money at doing that too.

Please don't leave me.. 
I forgot to say out loud,
How beautiful you really are to me,
I can't be without,
And I need you.
I am sorry. 

Lots of baby talk has been going around to, and I wonder, but I don't tell anybody that, because I don't know. And until I go to an actual doctor, and get a bunch of tests done on a lot. I won't know a lot. And maybe one day I will do that. Baby's don't concern me right now though, I have to much to do before the thought of babies even come up for me.

What has been running through my head lately?
I know I am good enough,
I know that one day, I will be what I am suppose to be.
And I know that even if people don't see it now.
I will be something.

"I'm over weight, I need to lose weight." Just one of the many things I have heard over my life, yes I am, and because of people around me, I have always let what they say about me, get to me.
Some day I will not to let it bother me.
I know what people say,
I know what they tell others.
They think I don't but I know a lot more then what most people think that I do about what people say.

But if I was such a horrible person, would I be here right now?
If I was that horrible person, I would of walked out a long time ago.
I would of not cared where I went, but I would of been gone.
Some days, I want to be that person, some days I want to walk out, some days I don't want to care.

But I do not let myself be that person, because then I would be what they say, I would be what they've always said, and I can not do that, but that does not mean that I do not think about it sometimes. Because sometimes, it goes through my mind.

I tried talking to my mother, I tried to tell her how I feel, I tried to show her, how it makes me feel, and did I actually think that she would understand? A big part of me did, and that part of me got severely disappointed, and hurt yet again. But for the chance that she might understand, I knew that it was 98% likely that I would be disappointed and hurt. But I tried, so that has to count for something.

Dear World, This Is Not How It Is Suppose To Be, I Wish You Would Just Straighten Up, Sincerely, EXTREMELY PISSED OFF.

Writing use to be my thing, I use to do it all the time whether it was actually writing a story, or blogging/journalling. Yet anymore I can't get into it, even though it is something I love, I guess, I didn't love it enough, cause it just stopped. Why? I don't even remember.
I use to want to be a writer, when I got older, a part of me still does, but at the same time I think I know that, that just isn't going to happen. Guess I could of tried a little harder, got back into it, but every time I try to get back into writing, some kind of book, it just don't seem right.
People keep telling me that have read some of my stuff, that I write good. So where did it go? Where was did the drive that I once had disappear to? I wish it would come back some times.

Life?
Well that obviously isn't going as it was suppose to be. But maybe how things I thought was suppose to be wasn't right for me I don't know, and to this day I never will. But I still don't feel like I am doing the right thing. Yes I am home, yes I am here helping take care of my mother, but why don't it feel like I am at least doing something with my life?
People get older, they need help, I understand that. But can I not have a life to and take care of the people around me?
Some days I wonder if that is how it is suppose to be, if that is what I am suppose to be doing, taking care of people. But what if I do something about that? Would it be right? I am not sure.
And I obviously ain't going to get the chance to do that. To find out. Why?
Because of this stupid health issue I have had since I was born. And no I am not going into the woe is me crap. I am so over that crap.
But it just makes me angry cause there is so much that I wanted to do with my life, and it's becoming pretty obvious that I am not going to get to do that.
Because of this stupid health problem. Yeah there is a lot of things that I can't do, but is that suppose to stop me from living a life?
Is that suppose to stop me from living my life the way I want to live it?
Because if it is, some days I think I should just already be dead. (Not suicidal or anything) just trying to make a point.
I am going to be Twenty-five this year, and I can honestly say in the decade and half of my life, that I have been alive, I have done nothing with it. And I don't know if that is me or, if it is because of things in my life that have happened.
But it pisses me off to no end.
People don't realize how much it pisses me off.
And lately it is all surrounded the "health problem"
Yes I know it's there, but does that mean I want to be reminded of it, every little bit? No, it does not.
I am a little sick of talking about what I need to do.
I know what I need, and every time I mention it, I get, well you can't do that. Or why would you do that? You need to do this instead.
Does anybody know how that makes me feel?
I get a few certain people and why they say those things, its because they actually do care about me.
So I am not ranting about that, it's about the others, the so called family and the people around them, that think it's any of their business, that bothers me.
Cause that is all it is anymore.
And I'm beyond tired of it, and extremely pissed off about it.