Letting Go, Changes, The Past...

My uncle called today, I guess to update my Dad on how they finally got my grandparent's all moved in, their travel trailer moved, an Grandpa's truck loaded up, from what I understand their going to fix up the truck and sell it. And my cousin Chris and her husband is buying the old trailer. And my uncle said it would be nice if he got to talk to Chris, because something happened so many years ago I don't even know but they don't talk, their not a family, they are two separate families. And Chris got to talking about there's so much hate and crap in the past, that she doesn't know if she can let it go much less her husband. So after my Dad got off the phone with them.. My mother went on this twenty minute rant and rave.

About curses and generations of families within our family. And how those curses in the generations ended with our family. Yes maybe some of them did, but I still see a lot within my own little family unit that the curse's are still there. She said that people in our families need to learn how to put the past in the past and leave it there, otherwise the future won't get better for nobody, and how people should let things go. And I fully agree, but it got me to thinking, that if that is how she feel's then why doesn't she do it? Why doesn't Dad do it? Why is it anybody in our family and new to the family can't?

Why am I the only one TRYING to learn how to leave things alone, to leave it in the past? I mean I am by all means not good at it, but at least I am trying, because I see what it can do to people and I do not want to carry that on into my life, anymore, and into any relationships, I may have with anybody, and it is a process. It is not an easy one either. Just look at her kids, they don't know how to do that, none of them do, they hold on to things from years ago, and it keeps getting brought up and brought up, and nobody understands how to let go and move on.

Yeah there are quite a few things that went on, that I was very angry with and i did not know how to let go and move on. But over the last year or so I have been trying hard to let go of that anger and resentment I had. And I wish someday's that other people would know how to do that.. I mean what is that anger going to do for you? What is that resentment going to do for you? It's going to way you down, and give you the same pattern's over and over again. Unless you learn how to change it yourself.

Waiting and trying to see if it's going to get any better does not work, trust me, I tried that for years. You have to actively want to change, what you see is wrong. I had a lot anger, a lot of issues with a lot of things in my life when I was younger, mostly because of this

And one day I just let that all go, there's no reason to keep going over and over it, it happened, there was nothing anybody could do to change any of it. So why let it hold me down? When there is a future out there,  and something or someone I can look forward to.

I still have issues, with a lot of things, mostly my relationship problem's and my issues with men, and it seem's I have a lot of trust issues to.  My anxiety, my stress level. The constant need to feel safe, but I think a lot of that need, is due and caused  by my years of self injury and not knowing how to cope with things. Which I think my coping capabilities is getting better each and every day.

As they say, one day at a time, one step at a time. And I am going to keep going one step one day at a time, until I have learned how to let things go, how not to do what earlier generations have done. And until I have my own issues under control.

LOST... Alone In A Room Full Of People Staring...

There are some days that I wish I wasn't in my head, and I know there are others that people would wonder about me again.. The things that cross my mind lately. Their dangerous, and I don't like them. And I don't want to fall back in to that pattern again...

It terrifies me, nobody notices, that worrie's me even more. Shouldn't somebody notice? Does anybody care? Am I the only one that gives a dang about any of it?

I need you to see. I need you to care... Hell at this point, anybody will do, but I want it to be you. I need it to be you. 

Lately, because of my anxiety and what goes on in my head, I can be in a full room of people, at a full table of people, around everybody, and I can still feel so alone, so very isolated, like I'm not even there anymore, I don't know what triggered it, and I wish I did.. I hate feeling like this. Isn't this what started all the other bad habit's in the first place?

Make it stop. I need to make it stop myself, I don't know how, anybody have any advice? I can't talk to anybody about it, there isn't... but there is, but even then I can't talk about it, I can't voice it. If it's voiced, it's reality, I don't want it to be reality, if it's reality it's a problem, I don't want or need anymore problems...

I can't handle drama stress, I can barely handle any stress.. I do okay with work related, customer, finding things, doing to many projects, that stress I can handle, people coming at me from all angles, because I am a problem, I can't handle. No matter what I do, where I am, I feel lost. Like I'm not even here anymore. And I know that's not true.

She see's me. Don't she? I feel like I am slowly fading. Into nothing. Again, all over again.

What am I to do? Who do I talk to? Do I really have to pay to have somebody to talk to? Why can't I just have you...