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with that im goin to bed, cause ill sit here, posting videos. and not sleeping..

Family Crap...

Sorry I ain't been writing, I feel like I am already failing on the things I want to do this year, and it just started..

The last couple weeks, have been nothing but family drama, and drama of any kind. It's wearing me down. Nobody knows that though.. my "in law" that belong's to my brother. Is quite different then I have ever met in a person before. She acts like she cares on the surface, but you get past that fake crap you realize that she don't care about anything but her own agenda, and whatever she wants to do. She only cares about herself, and she doesn't care what she does to the people around her. Well me being me and me being as protective as I am even though I don't show it...

Have been having problems with things that she has been doing, and the way that she has been treating certain people. So finally after I get pushed and pushed, and after enough hearing about things that have been done.. Because I seem to be the one that everybody talks to and I don't know why. But that's also besides the point.. I finally went off on this "in law" of course you know that didn't over very well, but I am not here to make her life better or to make her happy.. Well after much talking and after much fake apology's from her, she said that it wouldn't happen again. Although I kind of knew that that wasn't the truth even when it out of her mouth but I gave her the benefit of the doubt (big mistake but anyway)..

So I was talking to my best friend about it AGAIN. Cause once again, the "in law" done it again. Don't really surprise me, well being that my best friend is very protective of me and my mother, she didn't want things escalating like it has a habit of doing around here, into a really big thing. So she told the "in law" to just avoid me for a while because I was upset.. The next thing I know that "in law" is snapping on me. Because supposedly I was talking about her, instead of talking to her, after she had already told me after the last mess, not to talk to her about anything because I am a year older then her.. (stupid reason, but then again she isn't that bright). So I snapped right back at her.. And basically told me because I don't have a job, that it was my job to clean up after everybody, because I have all day to do it and she don't. And I told her that wasn't no damn excuse for not cleaning up after herself and her husband. Because they are grown.. She told me I am selfish, cruel, and the most hurtful person, she has ever met. That I'm spoiled and that I treat people like they are below me and I treat people like trash. That's been replaying in my head since it happened..

It's like she don't know how to be around people, or something I don't know. All I know is I have tried to be nice to her, and something like this always happens, and for some reason it ALWAYS gets turned around on me. Like she's making me out to be the bad person all the time.. She really just rubs me the wrong way. So We're not speaking, I don't know if we ever will. And I don't care to.. I know I ain't those things she says, but then it goes back to a part of me that has been buried, and I thought was long gone, so of course it bugs me..

It's just been a stressful start of the year.

I Don't Understand Some People...

I got to love how a certain person in my life, that is now related to me whether I like it or not. Because I have no choice in the matter, of how they are related to me will sit there, and lie about me to my best friend. Saying that I haven't been outta my room, well guess what I was outta my room a lot.. Because if I didn't, I wouldn't noticed, somebody had pecan pies in the oven and was no where in the house. And how I supposedly have a daily conversation with somebody I BARELY talk to.

Talked about some two faced people I have in my life as family. They are absolutely like my brother.. Lying on me for no reason, what so ever other than the fact that they can. And they make it so dang believable, that the person starts to believe it. But the good thing is that that person knows me better than anyone and also knows that I wouldn't lie to her..

I wish they had never moved back up here.. I love my brother and all but my life was drama free, an stress free until they moved back up here. All I know is the thing better stop lying on me to my best friends because it's only going to cause more problems because I will snap. I really do not understand some people. And I have a feeling I never will..

All the more reason for me to get what I need done, so I can find my own place. Because if their staying I'm leaving as soon as I am able to, its as simple as that..

Sitting here wishing and dreaming...

I've been here most of the morning and a good portion of the night. Thinking. It is all I ever seem to do, because I can't do the things that I want to do and the things that need to be done to have the life that I want. I know what needs to be done but certain things need to fall into place before it is possible for them to even be started. And I guess that's okay. But knowing me as well as I do I just want to hurry up and rush everything and get everything done when I want to get everything done. And unfortunely a lot of the time life is not like that and I understand that.. Trust me its not easy living in a house. With five other adults. We have two couples in the house, one's been married soon to be fourty-five years, and the other couple has been married coming up on two years. And boy being a single person in a house full of married people, it is not easy. And lately the only other one in the house that I could really just get along with, hasn't been the best person to get along with lately. And I don't know why. I don't understand it at all.

I honestly don't recommend living in a house with five other people. Unless you have the patients and calmness level of a saint. Which I do not. So for me it is just a lot of irritation and stress. That or maybe I just don't know how to get along with people. So most of my time is spent, not really trying to avoid them, it's just I don't really try to be around them either. Because it is always something, either one of them is mad at somebody for some reason. Or somebody has some problem with somebody for some other reason, and I just can not handle it.

I miss the quiet. I miss when it was just me and that one other person and my three animals. Unfortunely for me that is gone for a couple years at least. But hopefully soon, I will start to be able to have a life, and maybe get my own place one day, with my animals. But honestly I just miss home. Which for who ever reads this besides the one select person that I know reads it. And understand's what is going on. Home would be the gorgeous state of Kentucky. I've only been there twice, for a few months at a time, but even the first time was enough for me to fall in love with the state. And I hope one day that I will be able to move back there, and finally be home. Because Texas has never really been home to me, it has always just been a place I stay at. And it has been that way for years. I just didn't know how to explain it, until I finally got my chance, to move somewhere else for a little while.

It's been four days since New Years. And New Years was spent like every other New Years has been for as long back as I could remember. Watched part of the New Years Eve show with my Dad, and then watched the ball drop and then texted everybody I know to tell them Happy New Years. Because it is once again, another year. And even though my whole family could not be with us this year to spend the new years, I am just grateful that they are alive. Even though me and that person do not exactly get along as well as we probably should considering we grew up together. But it is what it is. And until somebody decides to let go of the past and forgive, then there is really nothing I can do about it, and nothing will ever get better. But while I was sitting there after the ball drop I watched all the couple's kiss the minute the clock stuck twelve. And all I could think about it is, it yet another year that I get to bring in alone. It's not that I am jealous of the other couples because I really ain't. But why is it I can't seem to find somebody? Am I really that unloveable?

Anyway I am just rambling it seems..

Wishing and dreaming for a future that does not seem to be in my direct path right now, and it makes a part of me sad.

Why Make Resolutions?

First blog in 2013.

I realize that I need to start writing more, whether it be a little bit, or a long one, something, anything. It makes me the happiest, writing, it always has. And I am not sure why I even stopped. Anyway.. 

The thing I've been thinking about the last couple days. Why do people vow to do things in the new year, when we all know, the good majority of the time, it never gets done, what is the point? Example: Vow to be a better person, do they really think that it's going to happen over night, that they don't have to work for it to be that way? Most of people's resolutions do not happen, because they do not work for it. And yes I am one of those people, that never get them done either. So I am not complaining just speaking in general. It just makes no sense to me. Probably never will, but that's alright, because it does not need to. With that being said. Not making a resolution for it to happen or making a vow to make it to happen.

What I would like to see happen in my life in 2013.

 1. Get my license, that is definitely a necessity.

 2. Get a job, and make some money while also saving some.

3. Get my GED so maybe one day I can go to college.. or at least my GED.

4. Probably one that needs to be one of the number one thing that would be nice to do is to stop cussing, as much as I do. If it at all...

5. Try to be a better christian, I know I have failed in the past, but I have come to realize over the past year. That it is something that I need to do for me.

6. Along with getting a job, I would love to make a life for myself, so that way in the future, it'll be a possibility that I have kids if me and whoever I ever get with wants them.

7. Be more independent. (making better decision's for myself, and not relying on people so much - although i will still rely on my best friends of course).

8. Write more. Alot more.

9. Hopefully find somebody that I can have a relationship with. And try not be so close minded to the option of being with a guy. All guys are not the same, and it's about time I started to realize that, and not blame the whole race for the faults of a few that was in my life, and a couple who still are in my life. While also being a little more open to people in my life, and letting more people into my life. (boy that's going to be big one to fill).