I've been here most of the morning and a good portion of the night. Thinking. It is all I ever seem to do, because I can't do the things that I want to do and the things that need to be done to have the life that I want. I know what needs to be done but certain things need to fall into place before it is possible for them to even be started. And I guess that's okay. But knowing me as well as I do I just want to hurry up and rush everything and get everything done when I want to get everything done. And unfortunely a lot of the time life is not like that and I understand that.. Trust me its not easy living in a house. With five other adults. We have two couples in the house, one's been married soon to be fourty-five years, and the other couple has been married coming up on two years. And boy being a single person in a house full of married people, it is not easy. And lately the only other one in the house that I could really just get along with, hasn't been the best person to get along with lately. And I don't know why. I don't understand it at all.
I honestly don't recommend living in a house with five other people. Unless you have the patients and calmness level of a saint. Which I do not. So for me it is just a lot of irritation and stress. That or maybe I just don't know how to get along with people. So most of my time is spent, not really trying to avoid them, it's just I don't really try to be around them either. Because it is always something, either one of them is mad at somebody for some reason. Or somebody has some problem with somebody for some other reason, and I just can not handle it.
I miss the quiet. I miss when it was just me and that one other person and my three animals. Unfortunely for me that is gone for a couple years at least. But hopefully soon, I will start to be able to have a life, and maybe get my own place one day, with my animals. But honestly I just miss home. Which for who ever reads this besides the one select person that I know reads it. And understand's what is going on. Home would be the gorgeous state of Kentucky. I've only been there twice, for a few months at a time, but even the first time was enough for me to fall in love with the state. And I hope one day that I will be able to move back there, and finally be home. Because Texas has never really been home to me, it has always just been a place I stay at. And it has been that way for years. I just didn't know how to explain it, until I finally got my chance, to move somewhere else for a little while.
It's been four days since New Years. And New Years was spent like every other New Years has been for as long back as I could remember. Watched part of the New Years Eve show with my Dad, and then watched the ball drop and then texted everybody I know to tell them Happy New Years. Because it is once again, another year. And even though my whole family could not be with us this year to spend the new years, I am just grateful that they are alive. Even though me and that person do not exactly get along as well as we probably should considering we grew up together. But it is what it is. And until somebody decides to let go of the past and forgive, then there is really nothing I can do about it, and nothing will ever get better. But while I was sitting there after the ball drop I watched all the couple's kiss the minute the clock stuck twelve. And all I could think about it is, it yet another year that I get to bring in alone. It's not that I am jealous of the other couples because I really ain't. But why is it I can't seem to find somebody? Am I really that unloveable?
Anyway I am just rambling it seems..
Wishing and dreaming for a future that does not seem to be in my direct path right now, and it makes a part of me sad.
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