Do You Know? You Walked In And It's Like You Know What I Need...

The things I wanna say to you, the word's I can't find. There's still so much I need to learn about you, still so much that I want to learn about you. You're here. But it scares me, truth be told you make me think, you make me think everything will be okay, I just need to jump in, and go for what I want.

You'll never know what it means to me, that you think that I can do, I don't want to regret anything, but I'm still scared when it comes to you. You're here, but will you leave... again? I have so many anxieties, I push, and I pull, I want and love, and need and feel, I have so much on my mind, I don't know how to spill it. I worry, I'm scared.

You're here, thank you. Don't leave me, I hear that screaming in my head a lot, when it comes to you... I don't want you to.

I got told all I need is you and my best friend, I fully agree, but I'm scared.
You make me not want to be scared, you make me want to just jump on a plane, and see what happens, you make me wanna say fuck it all, and go and do, on an adventure. But then all reality sets in, and I know that I can't. I'm not as spontaneous as you. I want to be.

You have no idea what you did, when you walked back into my life, you have no idea, that you made my life spin. Our conversations mean more to me then you will probably ever know, I've told you things, I dont normally tell people, I tell you things, and it's so easy to talk to you. You don't see me as crazy or young, you see me though.

I think you're good for me, and I don't know, but I hope that maybe I am good for you too. I don't know how you feel about any of this, and I don't know how to ask, because I am good at pushing, and with you, I don't want to, I always want to know what's on your mind though.

You walk in, and is so free spirited, you give me hope, you give me trust, you make me want to trust, but in the back of my mind, I wonder if you're going to leave, like everybody else has, or are you in it for all my craziness, all that I am. I'm not as easy as you think.

You keep telling me you're here... Do you know? Are you okay with that constant need of knowing you won't just up and disappear. Do you understand? It's like whatever I want to say to you, you actually want to hear it, you actually listen to it, I ain't scared you off.

Before I even say anything about my anxieties, my fear, it's like you already know how to ease it. How? I don't know what to think about you, I do know that I think about you all the time... And I don't know what you think about that, or if you even know?

You make me better, just by being in my life... Please don't you ever leave.

I need you and you don't even know because I am scared to tell you.

It's like you showed up, just when I thought I had lost myself, and my world around me, It's like your here to show me it's all going to be okay.

Either way, thank you...

Rant

I am really sick of getting lied to, and then when I throw a fit you wonder why, really are you that stupid that you can't see it? You tell me one thing and then do the completely fucking opposite and your not the only one.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother with both of you, there really is no point. You only need me when you need to bitch about something well I am tired of waiting on you all the time, oh wait for me I won't be long, three or four hours later, you may return, oh I forgot. Yeah bullshit. Then you bitch cause when you are around I have to go to bed or do something, well duh I wonder why. Cause I spent all these fucking hours waiting on you.

I am fixing to be done, seriously.

Feeling The Need To Be Safe...

Woke up this morning and I really do not feel safe, and I don't know why, sometimes I just wake up and I feel like this for hours on end. It scares me that I will slip back into old habits. That I try very hard to ignore. I just want one day to feel safe in every way  I don't know if that will ever happen but that is my hope. Abd I wish to find somebody that helps make me feel safe but that may just be a dream.

I was at work the other night and felt like I had horrible chest pain and not the kind I am use to, it kind of scared me, so I said something, knowing that I don't need to be sent home. But that feeling I never had before. So I went to the Er and after many hours they decided that I have an infection on my lungs. Which I don't understand how just an xray and many hours sitting in a waiting room they can tell what I have, but that's what they said I got, they also did an EKG and said my heart looks fine. So they sent me home with medicatons which I don't like taking, but I sm because I don't want this infection getting worse.

In good news I have been promoted at work to Pharmacy cashier, now if they would quit screwing around and getvme moved over there, I am truly excited aboutbit because with this I won't be all over the store and only have one manger to have to deal with on a daily basis, there are a few things I know I will miss from being in softlines but overall I am happy.

Don't Go Back To Sleep Stay Awake Here With Me...

Thing's never turn out how you want them too. Maybe there's a reason for it, some bigger picture I don't see, and only one person knows. I wish he would clue me in sometimes, because it gets irritating. I get tired of waiting, then again waiting has never been one of my strong points, the more waiting I do the more irritated I get.

It snowed. This is texas, so it doesn't snow often, hell I don't remember the last time it did snow. It's nice, we need the moisture that comes from it, but snow, we don't get enough of it.. I had hoped to be somewhere with this moving thing by now. As much as this moving thing is going, is it's just stress, because they don't understand, I just want to be gone already. I thought some things would be a lot farther in my life by now, but it's still on hold, and everybody around me, has got it, so what did I do wrong??

Where's my happy ending?

Work is going alright, for the most part.. Getting pulled in a few different directions all the time, has taken its toll, but I do what I can, and then go home, and start again tomorrow. That's all I can do some days. At least I am finally making my own money, even though things in life, don't seem to let me keep it long.

I want to go away for a few day's, somewhere far just for a few days, destress for a second.  My anxiety seems to be under control for the moment *knocks on wood*, other issues, seem to be presenting themselves in its stead though, but I am working through them, not so graceful sometimes but at least I am doing it on my own right? That much I have learned.

Certain things feel like they are always haunting me, but maybe it's because I let them. Because I haven't learned how to make it stop, some days I just want the world to back off leave me alone for a few, and let me gather myself back together.. I miss the quiet time that I had. Some times, but I know I have thing's that need to be done, so I don't understand why it always has to be a constant push though.

I just need you to notice, just for a second, that I need you. 

There's a lot I could rant about I'm sure, but I think that's okay for the moment.

Don't let go keep breathing

You can hold on

The sky will stop bleeding

Just like the pain

Haven't you had enough rain

One Day..

Somehow I just found out about this album... I'm in love with it seriously.

It can seem so hard when your demons have found you

Oh they drag you through hell

Don't pay your attention to the stories they tell

Don't get me wrong now honey, I know it's severe

Just give me a smile now baby let me whisper in your ear

I will stay right here

I can wait, I won't change

I won't fade from the dark and strange

Feel the moon get to know the stars

I know it's not easy honey

You will find what you are looking for

And this work is never done

There are no judgments only open doors

The choice is yours

You can't get it wrong, no.

Letting Go, Changes, The Past...

My uncle called today, I guess to update my Dad on how they finally got my grandparent's all moved in, their travel trailer moved, an Grandpa's truck loaded up, from what I understand their going to fix up the truck and sell it. And my cousin Chris and her husband is buying the old trailer. And my uncle said it would be nice if he got to talk to Chris, because something happened so many years ago I don't even know but they don't talk, their not a family, they are two separate families. And Chris got to talking about there's so much hate and crap in the past, that she doesn't know if she can let it go much less her husband. So after my Dad got off the phone with them.. My mother went on this twenty minute rant and rave.

About curses and generations of families within our family. And how those curses in the generations ended with our family. Yes maybe some of them did, but I still see a lot within my own little family unit that the curse's are still there. She said that people in our families need to learn how to put the past in the past and leave it there, otherwise the future won't get better for nobody, and how people should let things go. And I fully agree, but it got me to thinking, that if that is how she feel's then why doesn't she do it? Why doesn't Dad do it? Why is it anybody in our family and new to the family can't?

Why am I the only one TRYING to learn how to leave things alone, to leave it in the past? I mean I am by all means not good at it, but at least I am trying, because I see what it can do to people and I do not want to carry that on into my life, anymore, and into any relationships, I may have with anybody, and it is a process. It is not an easy one either. Just look at her kids, they don't know how to do that, none of them do, they hold on to things from years ago, and it keeps getting brought up and brought up, and nobody understands how to let go and move on.

Yeah there are quite a few things that went on, that I was very angry with and i did not know how to let go and move on. But over the last year or so I have been trying hard to let go of that anger and resentment I had. And I wish someday's that other people would know how to do that.. I mean what is that anger going to do for you? What is that resentment going to do for you? It's going to way you down, and give you the same pattern's over and over again. Unless you learn how to change it yourself.

Waiting and trying to see if it's going to get any better does not work, trust me, I tried that for years. You have to actively want to change, what you see is wrong. I had a lot anger, a lot of issues with a lot of things in my life when I was younger, mostly because of this

And one day I just let that all go, there's no reason to keep going over and over it, it happened, there was nothing anybody could do to change any of it. So why let it hold me down? When there is a future out there,  and something or someone I can look forward to.

I still have issues, with a lot of things, mostly my relationship problem's and my issues with men, and it seem's I have a lot of trust issues to.  My anxiety, my stress level. The constant need to feel safe, but I think a lot of that need, is due and caused  by my years of self injury and not knowing how to cope with things. Which I think my coping capabilities is getting better each and every day.

As they say, one day at a time, one step at a time. And I am going to keep going one step one day at a time, until I have learned how to let things go, how not to do what earlier generations have done. And until I have my own issues under control.

LOST... Alone In A Room Full Of People Staring...

There are some days that I wish I wasn't in my head, and I know there are others that people would wonder about me again.. The things that cross my mind lately. Their dangerous, and I don't like them. And I don't want to fall back in to that pattern again...

It terrifies me, nobody notices, that worrie's me even more. Shouldn't somebody notice? Does anybody care? Am I the only one that gives a dang about any of it?

I need you to see. I need you to care... Hell at this point, anybody will do, but I want it to be you. I need it to be you. 

Lately, because of my anxiety and what goes on in my head, I can be in a full room of people, at a full table of people, around everybody, and I can still feel so alone, so very isolated, like I'm not even there anymore, I don't know what triggered it, and I wish I did.. I hate feeling like this. Isn't this what started all the other bad habit's in the first place?

Make it stop. I need to make it stop myself, I don't know how, anybody have any advice? I can't talk to anybody about it, there isn't... but there is, but even then I can't talk about it, I can't voice it. If it's voiced, it's reality, I don't want it to be reality, if it's reality it's a problem, I don't want or need anymore problems...

I can't handle drama stress, I can barely handle any stress.. I do okay with work related, customer, finding things, doing to many projects, that stress I can handle, people coming at me from all angles, because I am a problem, I can't handle. No matter what I do, where I am, I feel lost. Like I'm not even here anymore. And I know that's not true.

She see's me. Don't she? I feel like I am slowly fading. Into nothing. Again, all over again.

What am I to do? Who do I talk to? Do I really have to pay to have somebody to talk to? Why can't I just have you...