Christmas hasn’t arrived at my house yet, nothing’s up, but a couple stockings. This is not normal for my house, mom’s house, the house period. We normally have it out, the day after Thanksgiving. So what happened, over the last couple years, what changed? I didn’t, I still love Christmas, I still want Christmas.
Christmas is just not normal anymore… And I do not like change, but I am trying not to complain to much. But it’s hard, I am trying to enjoy it. This may possibly be my last Christmas with my family. What I call my family. They act more like a family when I am not around, and over the years, I have really come to expect that, but it don’t mean that it still don’t hurt.
Work has been insanely stressful lately, maybe it’s just the holiday season, I don’t recommend retail to be anybody’s choice, unless they know for a fact, that they can handle it, I’ve learned to handle it, some days it’s harder then others, but I still try my best, and maybe one day that won’t be enough. But for now it is.
My anxiety? My OCD, its all still there. My anxiety about everything.. It act’s up. So bad, that I can’t breathe some days, but I make myself, I make myself learn how to breathe again. I learn how to make myself calm down, it’s not as easy as it looks. Random people come up an hug me, I freeze, I don’t like it. I don’t like random people touching me. I don’t like random people near me. If I don’t know you, don’t come up, an randomly hug me. It sets my anxiety off bad.
My OCD has been at a completely high level lately. You can’t tell it though, I think I have figured out how to control that part. I feel like doing some actual writing again, nothing long, I don’t think I have the attention span for something long. Maybe a short story or something, but can I do that again? Especially with me being confused. I know who I love, but it don’t mean that people don’t complicate that. I know what I want, it’s not that, certain things confuse me, certain things get said, that confuses me.
You miss me? Great, I did too, am I suppose to? I don’t know, I miss you as my best friend, it’s like you ain’t even left, but you did, and you hurt me bad, when you did, but you didn’t realize it, I’m sure, because if you did you wouldn’t have. Why are you back? Are you going to hurt me again? Will I be able to handle it again? Can you promise me that you won’t hurt me, even unintentionally? Do I want you too. Do you promise to be here? No matter what. I can not handle you being gone not again, not this time. I made myself, I made myself forget about you. Once in a while I think I thought about you, but I tried not to, but I guess it showed. Can you handle my anxieties, can you handle me? I’m difficult, even if I am a friend, I am still difficult, and I know it. I can’t change it, I try. It don’t seem to help. My mind races with thoughts, thought’s I don’t have answers to, thoughts I can’t say to anybody else, thought’s that I can’t even voice to you. I don’t know how you would react, I don’t know how I would react if I said anything out loud. Thought’s I don’t want to be questioned about, because I really don’t want to talk about it, with anybody. Not even you. And for that I am sorry.
I’m already sorry.. something’s wrong with that.
My thoughts are better off inside, where they are. They don’t need to be voiced. They don’t need to be heard. I just need to feel safe again. Can you provide that? You was like my partner without being my partner. Some part of me loved you for that, but some part of me became dependent on that. Dependent on you, I don’t think I can let myself do that again, no matter how close you and I are.
I need to make myself independent. How? That’s the big question, how? I need to do it alone, I don’t like being alone. I came to peace with myself being alone, but I would rather be around people, but I can be okay, being by myself, I can be okay finding things to do without people. Can I be okay with my thoughts?
She’s in my thought’s, I want/I need. Does it matter what I want? Does it matter what I need? Does it matter, that the inside of me bleed’s because I still haven’t found a way to have what I want, what I need. I don’t bleed on the outside anymore, I haven’t in so long, it’s something of the past, almost like that part of my life, was like a dream. Maybe it was, but I have the proof on my skin, the very sad proof. That I can’t explain to anybody, because they wouldn’t understand. That I don’t explain to anybody, because they won’t understand. I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that. How do you tell anybody about something like that? Something that you use to do to yourself. That you have no desire to do again, that at that time in your life, that it made you feel safe?
That you have a need, a constant need at that, to always feel safe, in no matter what situation your in. I don’t trust no more. I don’t know how to, I’ve been hurt to many times to let myself feel, I have been hurt to many time’s to let myself trust anybody. Maybe that’s part of my problem, and something that I don’t know how to overcome. How do you overcome something like that? Part of me has shut down. Part of me needed to. Part of me needed a break, do I know how to find my way back?
That I don’t have the answer for.
Do I want to find my way back?
All I need is to be safe.
Christmas is just not normal anymore… And I do not like change, but I am trying not to complain to much. But it’s hard, I am trying to enjoy it. This may possibly be my last Christmas with my family. What I call my family. They act more like a family when I am not around, and over the years, I have really come to expect that, but it don’t mean that it still don’t hurt.
Work has been insanely stressful lately, maybe it’s just the holiday season, I don’t recommend retail to be anybody’s choice, unless they know for a fact, that they can handle it, I’ve learned to handle it, some days it’s harder then others, but I still try my best, and maybe one day that won’t be enough. But for now it is.
My anxiety? My OCD, its all still there. My anxiety about everything.. It act’s up. So bad, that I can’t breathe some days, but I make myself, I make myself learn how to breathe again. I learn how to make myself calm down, it’s not as easy as it looks. Random people come up an hug me, I freeze, I don’t like it. I don’t like random people touching me. I don’t like random people near me. If I don’t know you, don’t come up, an randomly hug me. It sets my anxiety off bad.
My OCD has been at a completely high level lately. You can’t tell it though, I think I have figured out how to control that part. I feel like doing some actual writing again, nothing long, I don’t think I have the attention span for something long. Maybe a short story or something, but can I do that again? Especially with me being confused. I know who I love, but it don’t mean that people don’t complicate that. I know what I want, it’s not that, certain things confuse me, certain things get said, that confuses me.
You miss me? Great, I did too, am I suppose to? I don’t know, I miss you as my best friend, it’s like you ain’t even left, but you did, and you hurt me bad, when you did, but you didn’t realize it, I’m sure, because if you did you wouldn’t have. Why are you back? Are you going to hurt me again? Will I be able to handle it again? Can you promise me that you won’t hurt me, even unintentionally? Do I want you too. Do you promise to be here? No matter what. I can not handle you being gone not again, not this time. I made myself, I made myself forget about you. Once in a while I think I thought about you, but I tried not to, but I guess it showed. Can you handle my anxieties, can you handle me? I’m difficult, even if I am a friend, I am still difficult, and I know it. I can’t change it, I try. It don’t seem to help. My mind races with thoughts, thought’s I don’t have answers to, thoughts I can’t say to anybody else, thought’s that I can’t even voice to you. I don’t know how you would react, I don’t know how I would react if I said anything out loud. Thought’s I don’t want to be questioned about, because I really don’t want to talk about it, with anybody. Not even you. And for that I am sorry.
I’m already sorry.. something’s wrong with that.
My thoughts are better off inside, where they are. They don’t need to be voiced. They don’t need to be heard. I just need to feel safe again. Can you provide that? You was like my partner without being my partner. Some part of me loved you for that, but some part of me became dependent on that. Dependent on you, I don’t think I can let myself do that again, no matter how close you and I are.
I need to make myself independent. How? That’s the big question, how? I need to do it alone, I don’t like being alone. I came to peace with myself being alone, but I would rather be around people, but I can be okay, being by myself, I can be okay finding things to do without people. Can I be okay with my thoughts?
She’s in my thought’s, I want/I need. Does it matter what I want? Does it matter what I need? Does it matter, that the inside of me bleed’s because I still haven’t found a way to have what I want, what I need. I don’t bleed on the outside anymore, I haven’t in so long, it’s something of the past, almost like that part of my life, was like a dream. Maybe it was, but I have the proof on my skin, the very sad proof. That I can’t explain to anybody, because they wouldn’t understand. That I don’t explain to anybody, because they won’t understand. I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that. How do you tell anybody about something like that? Something that you use to do to yourself. That you have no desire to do again, that at that time in your life, that it made you feel safe?
That you have a need, a constant need at that, to always feel safe, in no matter what situation your in. I don’t trust no more. I don’t know how to, I’ve been hurt to many times to let myself feel, I have been hurt to many time’s to let myself trust anybody. Maybe that’s part of my problem, and something that I don’t know how to overcome. How do you overcome something like that? Part of me has shut down. Part of me needed to. Part of me needed a break, do I know how to find my way back?
That I don’t have the answer for.
Do I want to find my way back?
All I need is to be safe.
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