Wishe’s, Christmas, Thoughts.

I get really depressed around this time of the year, and I’m not sure why. I have for years. It always happens, and I don’t know how to control it. The older I get the worse it seems to be. I guess because I know that I have a limited Christmases, but most haven’t been normal for years. It hasn’t been normal since the Grandparent’s quit coming down, but they was getting older, so I knew it was coming, but it still makes me sad. Those are the time’s I remember as being everybody’s happiest, maybe I was wrong. But they was the happiest for me. There has never been a “mine,” somebody I love for a Christmas, and I know that bugs me, because it’s around this time of the year, that you notice the couple’s more. The couple’s seem to be even so much more in love this time of the year, then they do any other time. And as much as I am happy for those couple’s. I want mine, I want my person, I want my love, and yes, I am grateful for what I have, I know it don’t seem like it some day’s but I am. All people ever see is my complaining. But they don’t know the truth. And even if they did, they still wouldn’t get it, because I don’t know how to open up to anybody anymore, everybody scares me anymore no matter who you are, you truly scare me, and maybe that’s my own issues, maybe that’s the anxiety, but I don’t know how to handle people. I use to be so good with people, and over the last couple years, my issue’s have taken over almost completely, and I don’t know how to fix it myself, but then again, I have problem’s admitting that there is something wrong, that there is something that I can’t handle. There’s something I don’t want to handle, it make’s me catch my breath every time. I remember a time that I use to love people, many years ago, even if I was stuck in my shell, and didn’t know how to talk to people, I still loved people. And over the years, that has went away little by little, til what’s left? What’s left of me? Because I honestly don’t know anymore. I don’t even know if I know who I am anymore, I still want something that I can never have, and even if I let that go, I still won’t be able to have what I truly crave. I crave love and I realize that, why do I crave it so much though, that I don’t understand. It’s not like my childhood was bad, it’s not like my parent’s wasn’t good parent’s they was. Even if they don’t understand their youngest, it’s okay, I don’t need them to understand me, I just wish they would understand some things but maybe that is asking for a miracle. What a Christmas to have the blues, my baby’s gone, I have no friends to wish me greeting’s once again. Choir’s will be singing silent night, Christmas carol’s by candle light, please come for Christmas, please come home for Christmas, if not by new year’s night. Some day’s I just need that one person to be in my life already, because it feel’s like it is slowly killing me a little more every day. And it feel’s like I am spinning out of control. Maybe if I keep praying, because somebody’s doing something right. So why not me?