What Hurts The Most Hasn't Killed Me Yet...

I miss you and I wish you would get out of my head because I can't handle this. But you wont come back I know that and it hurts but I'm going to have to learn to live with it somehow. But can I? I don't know but I'll keep trying till I can I have no other choice right?

Lots Of Ranting...

So today, I kind of walked into this without thinking about it. I showed my Mom, the post, that is going around about what Bill Cosby had to say about what he thinks this world is coming to. And even though I agree with some of the things that he said, and I knew she would, I didn't know that it would turn into this almost thirty - fourty five minute one sided rant about God, Gay's, Boy Scouts, and how she thinks all this should be. Although Dad did say that she was right, but I didn't say much of anything other then, I didn't say that they was, I didn't say that he did, and  hmm that's about all I said the whole time.

Note, that yes, she is set in her ways. And I understand this. I don't really try to change her way of thinking, and her and I will NEVER agree on some things. But it would be nice, if she actually saw somebody else's view. Instead of just her self righteous judgmental state of mind. But that's like talking to a wall, trying to get her to see other people's point of view.

Now, before I get anywhere with this blog, I would like to say, that I in no way, agree or disagree with either side, gay's or straights. I would prefer to stay neutral to all of this.

This Year/Connections...

Already seems to be going way to fast. A couple week's and it will already be June, I remember when the month's use to go a lot slower, you use to have more time to enjoy the days ahead of you. And now it's just go go go.

Some would say that I am still looking for a job, if that's what you want to call it then yes, I am still looking for a job. I put a few app's in online, nothing, didn't figure they'd actually call, and yes I have called, an they have said over an over again, that they will call. Got a few paper app's that I really need to fill out. But will they really get brought back in? Who knows.

Jeanette called, causally asked if I am driving yet, to which she replied no. To which Jeanette said she want's to know what their going to do with that girl. To which got replied, I don't know, she don't have it cause everybody is to busy. Right to busy? What sitting on their ass, watching tv? Or sleeping all day? To busy? RIGHT.  Whatever.

I've come to the point, and the realization that I may never get to have my car, because their to "busy."

So what's the point in trying to find a job, they'll be to "busy" to take me I am sure. Well if I actually find one, it's for my sanity. No other reason.

I don't know how I find myself in the situations that I do. It amazes me sometimes how I do. I'm suppose to be a Christian right? So how in the world, do these situations always come up? I wonder about that a lot, if I was a true Christian then they wouldn't right? I would like to think I am, but some days I just don't know.

Everybody keeps saying that I need to find a guy to be with, that I need to find a guy to love me. I need a guy to love. Yeah it's a lot easier, said then done. I don't know if  I want a guy, I do know that I have that need to be with one, the need to be held, the need of just having somebody there. I have that. But the want for somebody? Not so much, and don't you need both for a relationship to actually work?

Yes some people need me in their life, and I know that, but it's not the same thing as what I need from a guy (woman), and I am not talking about just sex, because at the moment and for the almost past seven years, sex has not been an issue, I could care a less one way or another about sex. If it's there then great, if it's not then great to. Don't have to have it.  Some people may think that I am weird because of that, and those people may just be right, because I think the same thing sometimes too.

No, I need to connection that happens between two people, I want that connection, some days I even crave that connection between two special people. Have I found that connection? Well no and yes. The connection so strong that people have between one another, that a good majority of the time, the other person knows what their thinking, what they need, what they want, without saying a word to that person. Yeah that connection would be great with somebody, but some days I wonder if that's to much to ask for a relationship. Because it seem's like it. And that kind of a connection, would mean that I would have to open myself up to that person, that I would have to bare my soul, to that person, that I would have to let that person in on who I really am. Can I do that? Can I actually let a person get that close to me? Can I do that, and not be scared to death, that after I did, they would walk away, because they would know who I really am, and that may scare the hell out of them? I don't know. I don't know if I could actually do that to a person. I don't know if I could do that to me.

Do I trust people? No. Plain and simple I don't trust people.
Yes there are a couple two or three people that I would trust with my life, with my heart, with my very being, and I do trust those people with that. Could I trust anybody else that way, to have that person the way I need? I do not know.

Having that kind of connection with another person, is hard.. Harder then you might imagine it to be. You would think that having that deep down soul shattering connection with a person, would be easy? It's not. Not as easy as it should be. That connection also scares me more then anything, but I need that connection with somebody.


I hate you, don’t leave me
I feel like I can’t breathe
Just hold me, don’t touch me
And I want you to love me
But I need you to trust me
Stay with me, set me free


I admit I’m in and out of my head
Don’t listen to a single word I’ve said
Just hear me out before you run away
‘Cause I can’t take this pain

I hate you, don’t leave me
I hate you, don’t leave me
‘Cause I love when you kiss me
I’m in pieces, you complete me

But I can’t back down
No, I can’t deny
That I’m staying now
‘Cause I can’t decide
Confused and scared
I am terrified of you

I’ve been here too many times before

Been abandoned and I’m scared now
I can’t handle another fall out
I’m fragile, just washed upon the shore

They forget me, don’t see me
When they love me, they leave me

I hate you, don't leave me
I hate you, please love me

When Everything Feels Wrong...

You make it feel right..
I wish you would make it feel right.
But you can't.
And I can't breathe.
And I don't know what I did.
But it's always something.
Cause I'm always messing up with people no matter what.
That's why I'll never be good enough.



I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out the door
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Questions, Thoughts, Wonderings...

I need a job. Not because of the money but because it may keep me sane cause I don't think I can handle much more of having way to much time on my hands to think. Thinking never does me any good, I know what goes on in my head would probably worry most people, so that's why most don't know.
I thought this went away but apparently it didn't cause I feel the way I did years ago. And nothing happened so what caused it? That's what I don't understand.
I thought maybe I was finally okay that it went away, on its own? Maybe it don't go away on its own.
My anxiety is back, I can handle the anxiety but it gets pretty bad some days. But I try and control it and I do ok with that on my own, sometimes, sometimes not.
People have told me over the years that maybe I should try therapy, and sometimes I wonder if their right? Would counseling actually help? I guess I'll never know unless I actually try it.
But that requires an income so it all goes back to needing a job to keep me sane, its a never ending cycle.
When does it stop?

Someone Else's Plans...

Over the last few weeks I have been doing a lot of thinking once again about my life. Everybody has this idea of how life is suppose to be like, I use to but then I realized that it don't do any good wondering what your life would be like, if things would have gone differently. All you can do, is be something now in the moment, for now that's all there is now. Its good to have a plan but plans don't always work out how you want I have currently realized this.

So no more plans, I know what I want and I will eventually get there, probably not when I want to, but eventually. I am currently looking for a job which I am hoping to find one considering summer is coming up and jobs always open up for the summer. And with a little luck I'll get one and this whole check will disappear far far away.

Also recently it's been decided that I am going to be having a roommate in the next few months, and as much as I know she would be safe here, I am still a little off about the whole thing, because it wasn't until recently that her and I started talking. So part of me wonders if that is why she started talking or if she actually wanted to. We're going to half everything, my room, my closet, my car, the bills. And with the plan she has and my family it SOUNDS good, but will it work? I don't know its like my life has been planned the whole part of the way. I don't understand it, I know parents are supposed to have plans for kids. Is this supposed to be the way to supposed to be? I don't think so. I know what they want for me but its not what I want for myself. And I don't know how to be who I need to be without disappointing them, so I'm confused on what to do, because I don't want to disappoint them. How am I supposed to be me, when they want me to be something else? And this is just another part of it. So how my supposed to be happy with it, when it's somebody else's plan?