This Year/Connections...

Already seems to be going way to fast. A couple week's and it will already be June, I remember when the month's use to go a lot slower, you use to have more time to enjoy the days ahead of you. And now it's just go go go.

Some would say that I am still looking for a job, if that's what you want to call it then yes, I am still looking for a job. I put a few app's in online, nothing, didn't figure they'd actually call, and yes I have called, an they have said over an over again, that they will call. Got a few paper app's that I really need to fill out. But will they really get brought back in? Who knows.

Jeanette called, causally asked if I am driving yet, to which she replied no. To which Jeanette said she want's to know what their going to do with that girl. To which got replied, I don't know, she don't have it cause everybody is to busy. Right to busy? What sitting on their ass, watching tv? Or sleeping all day? To busy? RIGHT.  Whatever.

I've come to the point, and the realization that I may never get to have my car, because their to "busy."

So what's the point in trying to find a job, they'll be to "busy" to take me I am sure. Well if I actually find one, it's for my sanity. No other reason.

I don't know how I find myself in the situations that I do. It amazes me sometimes how I do. I'm suppose to be a Christian right? So how in the world, do these situations always come up? I wonder about that a lot, if I was a true Christian then they wouldn't right? I would like to think I am, but some days I just don't know.

Everybody keeps saying that I need to find a guy to be with, that I need to find a guy to love me. I need a guy to love. Yeah it's a lot easier, said then done. I don't know if  I want a guy, I do know that I have that need to be with one, the need to be held, the need of just having somebody there. I have that. But the want for somebody? Not so much, and don't you need both for a relationship to actually work?

Yes some people need me in their life, and I know that, but it's not the same thing as what I need from a guy (woman), and I am not talking about just sex, because at the moment and for the almost past seven years, sex has not been an issue, I could care a less one way or another about sex. If it's there then great, if it's not then great to. Don't have to have it.  Some people may think that I am weird because of that, and those people may just be right, because I think the same thing sometimes too.

No, I need to connection that happens between two people, I want that connection, some days I even crave that connection between two special people. Have I found that connection? Well no and yes. The connection so strong that people have between one another, that a good majority of the time, the other person knows what their thinking, what they need, what they want, without saying a word to that person. Yeah that connection would be great with somebody, but some days I wonder if that's to much to ask for a relationship. Because it seem's like it. And that kind of a connection, would mean that I would have to open myself up to that person, that I would have to bare my soul, to that person, that I would have to let that person in on who I really am. Can I do that? Can I actually let a person get that close to me? Can I do that, and not be scared to death, that after I did, they would walk away, because they would know who I really am, and that may scare the hell out of them? I don't know. I don't know if I could actually do that to a person. I don't know if I could do that to me.

Do I trust people? No. Plain and simple I don't trust people.
Yes there are a couple two or three people that I would trust with my life, with my heart, with my very being, and I do trust those people with that. Could I trust anybody else that way, to have that person the way I need? I do not know.

Having that kind of connection with another person, is hard.. Harder then you might imagine it to be. You would think that having that deep down soul shattering connection with a person, would be easy? It's not. Not as easy as it should be. That connection also scares me more then anything, but I need that connection with somebody.


I hate you, don’t leave me
I feel like I can’t breathe
Just hold me, don’t touch me
And I want you to love me
But I need you to trust me
Stay with me, set me free


I admit I’m in and out of my head
Don’t listen to a single word I’ve said
Just hear me out before you run away
‘Cause I can’t take this pain

I hate you, don’t leave me
I hate you, don’t leave me
‘Cause I love when you kiss me
I’m in pieces, you complete me

But I can’t back down
No, I can’t deny
That I’m staying now
‘Cause I can’t decide
Confused and scared
I am terrified of you

I’ve been here too many times before

Been abandoned and I’m scared now
I can’t handle another fall out
I’m fragile, just washed upon the shore

They forget me, don’t see me
When they love me, they leave me

I hate you, don't leave me
I hate you, please love me