Wishe’s, Christmas, Thoughts.

I get really depressed around this time of the year, and I’m not sure why. I have for years. It always happens, and I don’t know how to control it. The older I get the worse it seems to be. I guess because I know that I have a limited Christmases, but most haven’t been normal for years. It hasn’t been normal since the Grandparent’s quit coming down, but they was getting older, so I knew it was coming, but it still makes me sad. Those are the time’s I remember as being everybody’s happiest, maybe I was wrong. But they was the happiest for me. There has never been a “mine,” somebody I love for a Christmas, and I know that bugs me, because it’s around this time of the year, that you notice the couple’s more. The couple’s seem to be even so much more in love this time of the year, then they do any other time. And as much as I am happy for those couple’s. I want mine, I want my person, I want my love, and yes, I am grateful for what I have, I know it don’t seem like it some day’s but I am. All people ever see is my complaining. But they don’t know the truth. And even if they did, they still wouldn’t get it, because I don’t know how to open up to anybody anymore, everybody scares me anymore no matter who you are, you truly scare me, and maybe that’s my own issues, maybe that’s the anxiety, but I don’t know how to handle people. I use to be so good with people, and over the last couple years, my issue’s have taken over almost completely, and I don’t know how to fix it myself, but then again, I have problem’s admitting that there is something wrong, that there is something that I can’t handle. There’s something I don’t want to handle, it make’s me catch my breath every time. I remember a time that I use to love people, many years ago, even if I was stuck in my shell, and didn’t know how to talk to people, I still loved people. And over the years, that has went away little by little, til what’s left? What’s left of me? Because I honestly don’t know anymore. I don’t even know if I know who I am anymore, I still want something that I can never have, and even if I let that go, I still won’t be able to have what I truly crave. I crave love and I realize that, why do I crave it so much though, that I don’t understand. It’s not like my childhood was bad, it’s not like my parent’s wasn’t good parent’s they was. Even if they don’t understand their youngest, it’s okay, I don’t need them to understand me, I just wish they would understand some things but maybe that is asking for a miracle. What a Christmas to have the blues, my baby’s gone, I have no friends to wish me greeting’s once again. Choir’s will be singing silent night, Christmas carol’s by candle light, please come for Christmas, please come home for Christmas, if not by new year’s night. Some day’s I just need that one person to be in my life already, because it feel’s like it is slowly killing me a little more every day. And it feel’s like I am spinning out of control. Maybe if I keep praying, because somebody’s doing something right. So why not me?

All I Can Say Is... Wow Really?

I am getting really sick of being ignored. I don't care who you are, family, friends, people that are suppose to be new friends? Am I such a reject to be ignored? Seriously. Well just so everybody knows. I am getting extremely, irritated, very sick an tired of BEING IGNORED. So quit it. Cause unless there is something I do not know about, I did nothing to you, so what's the reason for it? Really come on now. rant over.

Safe. Will you?

Christmas hasn’t arrived at my house yet, nothing’s up, but a couple stockings. This is not normal for my house, mom’s house, the house period. We normally have it out, the day after Thanksgiving. So what happened, over the last couple years, what changed? I didn’t, I still love Christmas, I still want Christmas.

Christmas is just not normal anymore… And I do not like change, but I am trying not to complain to much. But it’s hard, I am trying to enjoy it. This may possibly be my last Christmas with my family. What I call my family. They act more like a family when I am not around, and over the years, I have really come to expect that, but it don’t mean that it still don’t hurt.

Work has been insanely stressful lately, maybe it’s just the holiday season, I don’t recommend retail to be anybody’s choice, unless they know for a fact, that they can handle it, I’ve learned to handle it, some days it’s harder then others, but I still try my best, and maybe one day that won’t be enough. But for now it is.

My anxiety? My OCD, its all still there. My anxiety about everything.. It act’s up. So bad, that I can’t breathe some days, but I make myself, I make myself learn how to breathe again. I learn how to make myself calm down, it’s not as easy as it looks. Random people come up an hug me, I freeze, I don’t like it. I don’t like random people touching me. I don’t like random people near me. If I don’t know you, don’t come up, an randomly hug me. It sets my anxiety off bad.

My OCD has been at a completely high level lately. You can’t tell it though, I think I have figured out how to control that part. I feel like doing some actual writing again, nothing long, I don’t think I have the attention span for something long. Maybe a short story or something, but can I do that again? Especially with me being confused. I know who I love, but it don’t mean that people don’t complicate that. I know what I want, it’s not that, certain things confuse me, certain things get said, that confuses me.

You miss me? Great, I did too, am I suppose to? I don’t know, I miss you as my best friend, it’s like you ain’t even left, but you did, and you hurt me bad, when you did, but you didn’t realize it, I’m sure, because if you did you wouldn’t have. Why are you back? Are you going to hurt me again? Will I be able to handle it again? Can you promise me that you won’t hurt me, even unintentionally? Do I want you too. Do you promise to be here? No matter what. I can not handle you being gone not again, not this time. I made myself, I made myself forget about you. Once in a while I think I thought about you, but I tried not to, but I guess it showed. Can you handle my anxieties, can you handle me? I’m difficult, even if I am a friend, I am still difficult, and I know it. I can’t change it, I try. It don’t seem to help. My mind races with thoughts, thought’s I don’t have answers to, thoughts I can’t say to anybody else, thought’s that I can’t even voice to you. I don’t know how you would react, I don’t know how I would react if I said anything out loud. Thought’s I don’t want to be questioned about, because I really don’t want to talk about it, with anybody. Not even you. And for that I am sorry.

I’m already sorry.. something’s wrong with that. 

My thoughts are better off inside, where they are. They don’t need to be voiced. They don’t need to be heard. I just need to feel safe again. Can you provide that? You was like my partner without being my partner. Some part of me loved you for that, but some part of me became dependent on that. Dependent on you, I don’t think I can let myself do that again, no matter how close you and I are.
I need to make myself independent. How? That’s the big question, how? I need to do it alone, I don’t like being alone. I came to peace with myself being alone, but I would rather be around people, but I can be okay, being by myself, I can be okay finding things to do without people. Can I be okay with my thoughts?

She’s in my thought’s, I want/I need. Does it matter what I want? Does it matter what I need? Does it matter, that the inside of me bleed’s because I still haven’t found a way to have what I want, what I need. I don’t bleed on the outside anymore, I haven’t in so long, it’s something of the past, almost like that part of my life, was like a dream. Maybe it was, but I have the proof on my skin, the very sad proof. That I can’t explain to anybody, because they wouldn’t understand. That I don’t explain to anybody, because they won’t understand. I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that. How do you tell anybody about something like that? Something that you use to do to yourself. That you have no desire to do again, that at that time in your life, that it made you feel safe?

That you have a need, a constant need at that, to always feel safe, in no matter what situation your in. I don’t trust no more. I don’t know how to, I’ve been hurt to many times to let myself feel, I have been hurt to many time’s to let myself trust anybody. Maybe that’s part of my problem, and something that I don’t know how to overcome. How do you overcome something like that? Part of me has shut down. Part of me needed to. Part of me needed a break, do I know how to find my way back?

That I don’t have the answer for.

Do I want to find my way back?

All I need is to be safe.

whatever...

I did not accomplish half of what I wanted to this year... Nothing changed. I still feel broken, it just feels worse then it did a few months ago. And maybe that is my own fault, I don't know.

The only two things I did accomplish this year, is I did get a job. (Yay) just by luck though. I've been fighting hard to keep it to. I've been there five months. Which doesn't seem very long. But it feels like a life time some days.

The second, is I actually do have a high school diploma so therefore, I do not need a GED so that is good news I guess, still hasn't gotten me anywhere though.

Driving? Nope not yet.

Cussing? eh, some days.

Relationship? Nope, not yet, maybe some day, I ain't hopeful though. Talkin to somebody new? Nope. Still stuck in the same old patterns.

Depression? Yep got it. I think so anyway. Why? No idea.

I don't know what to write anymore... I don't know what to feel anymore, I don't know what to think anymore. An I really don't know what to do. So it's whatever...

I feel myself shutting down? do I want to stop it. Naw, bring it on..

Rants, Rambles, Stress...

I ain't been here in a really long time... Guess I should update.

Got the job. Work my ass off, and for what? People think I am made full of money, and I'm not, I just do the best I can, and nobody seems to be happy with that... But that is their problem, not mine. But somehow it still bothers me some days.

Bills? Those ain't fun. I can see why everybody says they're always broke after the bills, part of me always thought they was kidding. I found out the hard way. Some people think that just because I don't have bills here, I shouldn't have bills, an that I should have all my money, since I started. It don't work like that though, they don't understand, it don't matter.

One day I am going to be moving, moving is expensive, just the thought of it, stresses me out lately. Work stresses me out. Living here stresses me out most of all.. And I can't make them understand. Maybe I never will, may as well quit hoping for some understanding from people.

The panic attack's are back, worse than ever to, what triggered them? I don't know. Stress? The own feeling, of my mental stability slipping? Thing's I haven't thought about in a long time, rushing back? I don't know, it's something though.

I'm not complaining I swear. I've been there three months, and already I am tired of it. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of me, tired of not being able to sleep.

I don't like people anymore, I always thought I was a people person, I was so very wrong. I am not a people person, people drive me insane now. There's only a couple that I can stand. I feel like I don't handle anything anymore. Part of me is breaking, I feel it, and I can't stop it. So I let it happen, what else is there? Do I pick myself back up when I break though? Do I want to. I don't know the answers to those questions. I guess we'll see what happens.

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Job interview...

Got a job interview this morning.  A little nervous this is the second one I've ever had. First one in Texas though. I'm praying I get it. Its gonna be a lot different than I'm use to. But I think maybe I can do it, or at least I hope I can.

Now if dad don't try to be over helpful and make me over nervous on the way there.
Everybody has given me advice, yet I'm still not sure.
Just pray.

God let them be receptive to me,
As I go through this interview today,
So that I may shine with your glory on all things,
Amen.

Just Something To Think About...

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” - Colossians 3:13 (NIV) « Sent from LiveBible

Guess it has meaning for different situations in my life at the moment. Somehow I need to be growing in God but I don't think I am and I don't know how to fix that.

It Don't Really Matter Anymore I Am Done Caring About It...

So over the last couple weeks, Jess (who I consider only to be a family friend now -- long story) decided she wanted to move in early, because of stuff going on at her house. So of course that was ok with everybody in the house.
Decided to finally say she don't want to after of course lying to me and saying she didn't have any other options because of some classes she swore she could drop cause they was just for fun are suddenly important to her. So she's staying which is fine I don't really care just mad she can sit there an lie to me after so long. She's supposed to be my "sis" but I wonder if that was a lie to after all these years?

Just goes to show I need to stop caring, I got other things on my mind thats important at the moment. That need my attention more than this crap. So I'm going to focus on what needs to be done right now, its all I can do, probably all I can handle anyway.

Thank You For That...

I really appreciate making me feel like crap. Do you not realize that I do notice everything that has been done for me? I may not show it, or act like I care sometimes but I notice.

I know I owe you more then you can imagine, I've changed since those days but obviously you don't see it. Thats why its hard to get to know me because people only see what they want to see. I don't let people get close to me anymore. Because it seems like every time I do, I hurt somebody or get hurt. So what's the point?

So nobody sees what they should, I keep myself protected.

But thanks for that I didn't know that. Obviously.
(yes I did)

It Feel's Like There Is Fire In My Veins...

I have learned something recently, the people in your life, you're suppose to be able to trust. You can't. Or at least in my case you can't. So if you can't trust you're suppose to be family. Who are you suppose to trust? Everybody wonders why I have so many issues, well they just keep piling on. Just when I think I get rid of one issue or at least get a handle on it, it seems like twenty more add to it.

I have also learned I need a lock for my door, not just one of those ones you can lock on the inside, but the kind you use for your outer doors, the one with a key. It's sad, that I would actually need that kind of lock for my room. But its become pretty obvious people love going through my stuff... Of course it's not the first time, and I highly doubt that it will be the last, unless, I move. Which that thought is becoming more and more welcoming as time goes on. So that is my goal.

And since I can't trust anybody, (Except for the two I know without a doubt I can--And I think those two know it, and if not well then they should). I have decided a change is order again. And I have a feeling, somebody I ain't seen in years is about to come out.. That person, who I was, has always been there. I feel it bubbling up more and more, like fire in my veins. And instead of suppressing it like I have been. Think its about time I let it come out.

Lose people? That's an understatement. Can't have somebody that you never had, even as friends. I'm sick of fighting--for anything, I'm sick of having to have an explanation for everything. Do they realize I am not a teenager anymore? Do they realize, even though I am living in this God forsaken house, that I am an adult? They have been in my place--the only place I thought I could go to feel safe. And since that was invaded, where else is there? Can I not have anything that is just my own? How would people feel if their place has been invaded? I only know how to explain it one way, and I can't. Because it wouldn't make any sense to anybody but me. So there's no point. There's no point in a lot anymore.

There isn't much else to do other then give up. Which may be happening sooner then I want it to.

What Hurts The Most Hasn't Killed Me Yet...

I miss you and I wish you would get out of my head because I can't handle this. But you wont come back I know that and it hurts but I'm going to have to learn to live with it somehow. But can I? I don't know but I'll keep trying till I can I have no other choice right?

Lots Of Ranting...

So today, I kind of walked into this without thinking about it. I showed my Mom, the post, that is going around about what Bill Cosby had to say about what he thinks this world is coming to. And even though I agree with some of the things that he said, and I knew she would, I didn't know that it would turn into this almost thirty - fourty five minute one sided rant about God, Gay's, Boy Scouts, and how she thinks all this should be. Although Dad did say that she was right, but I didn't say much of anything other then, I didn't say that they was, I didn't say that he did, and  hmm that's about all I said the whole time.

Note, that yes, she is set in her ways. And I understand this. I don't really try to change her way of thinking, and her and I will NEVER agree on some things. But it would be nice, if she actually saw somebody else's view. Instead of just her self righteous judgmental state of mind. But that's like talking to a wall, trying to get her to see other people's point of view.

Now, before I get anywhere with this blog, I would like to say, that I in no way, agree or disagree with either side, gay's or straights. I would prefer to stay neutral to all of this.

This Year/Connections...

Already seems to be going way to fast. A couple week's and it will already be June, I remember when the month's use to go a lot slower, you use to have more time to enjoy the days ahead of you. And now it's just go go go.

Some would say that I am still looking for a job, if that's what you want to call it then yes, I am still looking for a job. I put a few app's in online, nothing, didn't figure they'd actually call, and yes I have called, an they have said over an over again, that they will call. Got a few paper app's that I really need to fill out. But will they really get brought back in? Who knows.

Jeanette called, causally asked if I am driving yet, to which she replied no. To which Jeanette said she want's to know what their going to do with that girl. To which got replied, I don't know, she don't have it cause everybody is to busy. Right to busy? What sitting on their ass, watching tv? Or sleeping all day? To busy? RIGHT.  Whatever.

I've come to the point, and the realization that I may never get to have my car, because their to "busy."

So what's the point in trying to find a job, they'll be to "busy" to take me I am sure. Well if I actually find one, it's for my sanity. No other reason.

I don't know how I find myself in the situations that I do. It amazes me sometimes how I do. I'm suppose to be a Christian right? So how in the world, do these situations always come up? I wonder about that a lot, if I was a true Christian then they wouldn't right? I would like to think I am, but some days I just don't know.

Everybody keeps saying that I need to find a guy to be with, that I need to find a guy to love me. I need a guy to love. Yeah it's a lot easier, said then done. I don't know if  I want a guy, I do know that I have that need to be with one, the need to be held, the need of just having somebody there. I have that. But the want for somebody? Not so much, and don't you need both for a relationship to actually work?

Yes some people need me in their life, and I know that, but it's not the same thing as what I need from a guy (woman), and I am not talking about just sex, because at the moment and for the almost past seven years, sex has not been an issue, I could care a less one way or another about sex. If it's there then great, if it's not then great to. Don't have to have it.  Some people may think that I am weird because of that, and those people may just be right, because I think the same thing sometimes too.

No, I need to connection that happens between two people, I want that connection, some days I even crave that connection between two special people. Have I found that connection? Well no and yes. The connection so strong that people have between one another, that a good majority of the time, the other person knows what their thinking, what they need, what they want, without saying a word to that person. Yeah that connection would be great with somebody, but some days I wonder if that's to much to ask for a relationship. Because it seem's like it. And that kind of a connection, would mean that I would have to open myself up to that person, that I would have to bare my soul, to that person, that I would have to let that person in on who I really am. Can I do that? Can I actually let a person get that close to me? Can I do that, and not be scared to death, that after I did, they would walk away, because they would know who I really am, and that may scare the hell out of them? I don't know. I don't know if I could actually do that to a person. I don't know if I could do that to me.

Do I trust people? No. Plain and simple I don't trust people.
Yes there are a couple two or three people that I would trust with my life, with my heart, with my very being, and I do trust those people with that. Could I trust anybody else that way, to have that person the way I need? I do not know.

Having that kind of connection with another person, is hard.. Harder then you might imagine it to be. You would think that having that deep down soul shattering connection with a person, would be easy? It's not. Not as easy as it should be. That connection also scares me more then anything, but I need that connection with somebody.


I hate you, don’t leave me
I feel like I can’t breathe
Just hold me, don’t touch me
And I want you to love me
But I need you to trust me
Stay with me, set me free


I admit I’m in and out of my head
Don’t listen to a single word I’ve said
Just hear me out before you run away
‘Cause I can’t take this pain

I hate you, don’t leave me
I hate you, don’t leave me
‘Cause I love when you kiss me
I’m in pieces, you complete me

But I can’t back down
No, I can’t deny
That I’m staying now
‘Cause I can’t decide
Confused and scared
I am terrified of you

I’ve been here too many times before

Been abandoned and I’m scared now
I can’t handle another fall out
I’m fragile, just washed upon the shore

They forget me, don’t see me
When they love me, they leave me

I hate you, don't leave me
I hate you, please love me

When Everything Feels Wrong...

You make it feel right..
I wish you would make it feel right.
But you can't.
And I can't breathe.
And I don't know what I did.
But it's always something.
Cause I'm always messing up with people no matter what.
That's why I'll never be good enough.



I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out the door
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Questions, Thoughts, Wonderings...

I need a job. Not because of the money but because it may keep me sane cause I don't think I can handle much more of having way to much time on my hands to think. Thinking never does me any good, I know what goes on in my head would probably worry most people, so that's why most don't know.
I thought this went away but apparently it didn't cause I feel the way I did years ago. And nothing happened so what caused it? That's what I don't understand.
I thought maybe I was finally okay that it went away, on its own? Maybe it don't go away on its own.
My anxiety is back, I can handle the anxiety but it gets pretty bad some days. But I try and control it and I do ok with that on my own, sometimes, sometimes not.
People have told me over the years that maybe I should try therapy, and sometimes I wonder if their right? Would counseling actually help? I guess I'll never know unless I actually try it.
But that requires an income so it all goes back to needing a job to keep me sane, its a never ending cycle.
When does it stop?

Someone Else's Plans...

Over the last few weeks I have been doing a lot of thinking once again about my life. Everybody has this idea of how life is suppose to be like, I use to but then I realized that it don't do any good wondering what your life would be like, if things would have gone differently. All you can do, is be something now in the moment, for now that's all there is now. Its good to have a plan but plans don't always work out how you want I have currently realized this.

So no more plans, I know what I want and I will eventually get there, probably not when I want to, but eventually. I am currently looking for a job which I am hoping to find one considering summer is coming up and jobs always open up for the summer. And with a little luck I'll get one and this whole check will disappear far far away.

Also recently it's been decided that I am going to be having a roommate in the next few months, and as much as I know she would be safe here, I am still a little off about the whole thing, because it wasn't until recently that her and I started talking. So part of me wonders if that is why she started talking or if she actually wanted to. We're going to half everything, my room, my closet, my car, the bills. And with the plan she has and my family it SOUNDS good, but will it work? I don't know its like my life has been planned the whole part of the way. I don't understand it, I know parents are supposed to have plans for kids. Is this supposed to be the way to supposed to be? I don't think so. I know what they want for me but its not what I want for myself. And I don't know how to be who I need to be without disappointing them, so I'm confused on what to do, because I don't want to disappoint them. How am I supposed to be me, when they want me to be something else? And this is just another part of it. So how my supposed to be happy with it, when it's somebody else's plan?

It's Amazing What You Think Of...

When you can't sleep. I can't sleep. My mind is filled with thoughts, thought's I have no answers to. Thought's I do not want answers to.
So why think about them? What is the point? I don't understand it. I want to understand it. I want to understand a lot, but I don't but that's because some thing's that go on in my mind, I can't talk about, with anybody. It's not that I don't want to. I just can't.

I stop myself, I feel like I am pushing my best friend away, or that their walking away. But I don't understand why, and I know what they will say. And maybe it's true, maybe I am over reacting, maybe I'm not but I don't want to lose that person, regardless.

It's just, a rough patch I keep telling myself, it'll be over soon, I keep telling myself that to. But will it? Because if it will, it needs to be over soon. Because I can't handle much more of this, and I don't think anybody else can either.

My mind, goes from good, to bad, to good again, to something slipping in my brain, to it being okay again.

I can be so mean when I wanna be,
I am capable of really anything,
I can cut you into pieces, 
When my heart is, broken.

I am still broken, not because of past relationships or anything. I have always felt broken, even when I was little, something always felt off. Broke, like it couldn't be fixed. People over the years, so many, have tried fixing me, and for a while it works, for a while, I'm glued together. But some how some way, I always pull the glue off, bit by bit, I shatter.

Why? I don't have an answer for that.. Do I like being fixed over, and over again? Not really. I am glad that I have a few people in my life, that actually care enough to try. I don't like being fixed, and I don't like being this broken, I don't like feeling like this all the time. I don't like being this lost. I think maybe one day I won't be dark and twisty, and I will be coming out of that stage. But will I? Will I always be dark and twisty? Is it always going to feel like this? Or am I eventually one day going to find the strength to fix myself, and not just temporary, but for good?

I am really capable of everything, anything, nothing. I am capable of it all. I don't like making the people I care about, feel like I do. I don't like making people think the only reason I talk to them, is when I am bored, because I don't just talk to people when I'm bored, I talk to people all the time, I talk to two people. I talk to my people. Everybody is always talking about having their "person" I don't just have a person, I have two. I don't know if I am suppose to have two, but their both my best friend's but one is also my sister. We're not related, but that don't matter to me, because sometime's blood don't matter, sometime's the only thing that matter's is being able to find somebody that you can talk to like that. And no matter what she is my sister, and I am grateful that she is there, and I don't know if she'll ever know how much she truly means to me, I don't think either of my people will know how much they mean to me. But regardless, I am thankfully I have found two people in my life, that I can talk to about anything.

Why don't I talk about the broken part of me? That part is to dark, and to twisty for anybody to have to try to wade through to understand, and it scares them. And sometimes, people just have to let me go through it on my own. Because I make it out on the other side eventually. The not Broken, Dark Twisty, side. I make it out to the okay side. Once in a while, I fall back into that place, but I always come out, okay eventually.

And I don't know how to explain that to people. I don't know how to explain to them, that I need them, there, but I also need to do this on my own, because how can I need them, and do it on my own? I always need them. But I also have to do this on my own.

When I say that you can't fix me, I truly mean it, but it doesn't mean that I don't appreciate you trying. Because I do more then you will ever know.

Lately there has been a lot of talk about what is going to happen in my life, and what other people think that I need to do with my life. My parent's think that I need to be on a check, for something that was not in my control. I have fought hard, for that to not be the only thing people see about me. I have fought hard all my life, for that. And yet, some people that is still all they see. I am so much more then that though, but what am I? I still have no answer for that question. And if they don't think that then they also think that I need to go into dispatching, or become a home health nurse apparently. I do not want to go into dispatching or whatever else stupid idea people come up with.

People wonder why I like doctor shows so much? Does that not give you a clue? Has that never given you a clue. And I know, that I am not able to, and I am okay with that. I'm good at nursing, I am good, at making sure people have their meds, I am good at making sure other people are okay. I am good at making sure, people eat, and take caring care of people. So that isn't really a bad idea, but there are also some concerns about how I can't handle it, and one of those concerns are also my own. Because even if I actually thought about going into Home Health, I myself do not think that I could handle it. Even if I would like to.

How am I suppose to become anything, if my education is so screwed up? My brother is almost thirty, he's two years off from it, and he is just now getting his education fixed. And even though he don't know it, and he will probably never know it, I am so proud of him for that. Yes I want to take the steps into fixing my education, and one day I will. When it is time. Everything is always a process with me. I'm good at web design. I don't do it very often anymore, but I am good at it. So if I went into anything, that is what I would do. Because you also make good money at doing that too.

Please don't leave me.. 
I forgot to say out loud,
How beautiful you really are to me,
I can't be without,
And I need you.
I am sorry. 

Lots of baby talk has been going around to, and I wonder, but I don't tell anybody that, because I don't know. And until I go to an actual doctor, and get a bunch of tests done on a lot. I won't know a lot. And maybe one day I will do that. Baby's don't concern me right now though, I have to much to do before the thought of babies even come up for me.

What has been running through my head lately?
I know I am good enough,
I know that one day, I will be what I am suppose to be.
And I know that even if people don't see it now.
I will be something.

"I'm over weight, I need to lose weight." Just one of the many things I have heard over my life, yes I am, and because of people around me, I have always let what they say about me, get to me.
Some day I will not to let it bother me.
I know what people say,
I know what they tell others.
They think I don't but I know a lot more then what most people think that I do about what people say.

But if I was such a horrible person, would I be here right now?
If I was that horrible person, I would of walked out a long time ago.
I would of not cared where I went, but I would of been gone.
Some days, I want to be that person, some days I want to walk out, some days I don't want to care.

But I do not let myself be that person, because then I would be what they say, I would be what they've always said, and I can not do that, but that does not mean that I do not think about it sometimes. Because sometimes, it goes through my mind.

I tried talking to my mother, I tried to tell her how I feel, I tried to show her, how it makes me feel, and did I actually think that she would understand? A big part of me did, and that part of me got severely disappointed, and hurt yet again. But for the chance that she might understand, I knew that it was 98% likely that I would be disappointed and hurt. But I tried, so that has to count for something.

Dear World, This Is Not How It Is Suppose To Be, I Wish You Would Just Straighten Up, Sincerely, EXTREMELY PISSED OFF.

Writing use to be my thing, I use to do it all the time whether it was actually writing a story, or blogging/journalling. Yet anymore I can't get into it, even though it is something I love, I guess, I didn't love it enough, cause it just stopped. Why? I don't even remember.
I use to want to be a writer, when I got older, a part of me still does, but at the same time I think I know that, that just isn't going to happen. Guess I could of tried a little harder, got back into it, but every time I try to get back into writing, some kind of book, it just don't seem right.
People keep telling me that have read some of my stuff, that I write good. So where did it go? Where was did the drive that I once had disappear to? I wish it would come back some times.

Life?
Well that obviously isn't going as it was suppose to be. But maybe how things I thought was suppose to be wasn't right for me I don't know, and to this day I never will. But I still don't feel like I am doing the right thing. Yes I am home, yes I am here helping take care of my mother, but why don't it feel like I am at least doing something with my life?
People get older, they need help, I understand that. But can I not have a life to and take care of the people around me?
Some days I wonder if that is how it is suppose to be, if that is what I am suppose to be doing, taking care of people. But what if I do something about that? Would it be right? I am not sure.
And I obviously ain't going to get the chance to do that. To find out. Why?
Because of this stupid health issue I have had since I was born. And no I am not going into the woe is me crap. I am so over that crap.
But it just makes me angry cause there is so much that I wanted to do with my life, and it's becoming pretty obvious that I am not going to get to do that.
Because of this stupid health problem. Yeah there is a lot of things that I can't do, but is that suppose to stop me from living a life?
Is that suppose to stop me from living my life the way I want to live it?
Because if it is, some days I think I should just already be dead. (Not suicidal or anything) just trying to make a point.
I am going to be Twenty-five this year, and I can honestly say in the decade and half of my life, that I have been alive, I have done nothing with it. And I don't know if that is me or, if it is because of things in my life that have happened.
But it pisses me off to no end.
People don't realize how much it pisses me off.
And lately it is all surrounded the "health problem"
Yes I know it's there, but does that mean I want to be reminded of it, every little bit? No, it does not.
I am a little sick of talking about what I need to do.
I know what I need, and every time I mention it, I get, well you can't do that. Or why would you do that? You need to do this instead.
Does anybody know how that makes me feel?
I get a few certain people and why they say those things, its because they actually do care about me.
So I am not ranting about that, it's about the others, the so called family and the people around them, that think it's any of their business, that bothers me.
Cause that is all it is anymore.
And I'm beyond tired of it, and extremely pissed off about it.

Some Days I Wonder...

Is it wrong to think that

Maybe the ways of God isn't as clear cut as some people seem to think?

There's your do's an your do not's.

But is that all there is?

Or is there more to God that needs to be learned?
And isn't there a learning process?
Is all he is, is do's and don'ts?
I thought that he was this almighty being, that you're suppose to believe in even if you can't see him.
Is he just a ruler that has all these rules that you must follow, isn't there more to it then just rules?
Isn't there a relationship to be made there?
Is a relationship with God, like an actual relationship that you would have with a person, and you have to learn from him?
Or is it just you have to follow the rules, cause they are there to be followed, like a commander or something?

And who exactly can I talk to about it? My mother? I've grown up with her views on God, and Religion and Church?
Do you just find God in church? OR is he with you every day?
Do you have to go to a church to really know God?

No I'm not saying going to church is a bad thing, and may be something I may look into in the future.
But can you know HIM outside of church?
If you study your bible, and talk to others about it.
Maybe even find somebody that's more knowing in the subject then you are right now, to talk to about things? Questions, thoughts, stuff you want to learn about.

I'm so lost, and have so many questions. And the one person I thought that I could talk to about it, I'm not sure I can, because we have different views on church.

Am I not a christian because I don't go to church?

It Seems Like...

No matter what you have to find something to complain about. Did we get asked if it was okay that they come here?
No you asked my brother. Yeah most of it is in his name, but do you realize that he don't own, all of it? That they do too.. Even though it's not said as much, and that's also why people think that this isn't their home. It is.
Maybe you should of thought of asking them to. Yet you can't. Because it is not in you to do so..
Hovering? Really? Come on now.
You don't see me?? Why should you see me, what point of it is for you to see me, it's not like it does any good, no matter what you start drama, and somehow I get blamed for "starting" it.
You don't see me because I can not stand you, I can not stand who you are, how you treat certain people. And I really can not stand what you turned my other brother into. If I could hate you I would, but that is to harsh of a word, so I "STRONGLY" dislike you.
You're the one that dropped them off, here and you hardly ever see them. Barely coming over before work. Granted yesterday you did actually come over a couple hours early to spend time with them, so I will give you that small thing.
But since they've been at our house, how much time have you really spent with them? Not much at all.. Has my brother? Considering she is his grandmother in law. No he's been out with his brother in law shooting.
You come home, barely eat dinner and spend time with them. And then as soon as that's over, you're off to the trailer, like they ain't even here.
Your own grandmother fell asleep in the chair, WAITING ON YOU.
Hovering? I think not, at least somebody's willing to take care of YOUR company.

So take your complaining self somewhere else, because we're sick of hearing it.

I Wish You Knew...

I don't know why you're in my head constantly. I don't understand it.. But what I am constantly wondering is if I'm in your head as much as you are. Probably not.. It gets on my nerves always thinking about you. When I have absolutely no reason to. And if you knew, it would probably bother you. Cause we didn't know each other that well.

The one thing I do know is that you could make me smile, a lot. A lot more then I have in a long time. And I think I've even made you smile. Maybe. I don't know if there ever would of been an "us" but either way that would of been okay with me. Cause I think no matter what you could make me smile. And I wish you knew that. But I can't tell you. Because of the way things ended. Ended before it even begun. Which sucks cause you didn't deserve it. And I still feel bad about it.. I wonder if you can tell I'm thinking about you?

So I've recently been told that I ain't changed, that I am the same person that I was two years ago, and I don't think that's true, because of what I've been going through emotionally the last week or so if I was the person I was two years ago, then things would be a lot worse then they feel like they are right now. Because I would of done been doing things that I know I shouldn't be doing, if I was that same person. So I don't think that I am. I know I ain't who I want to be yet, but I still have a lot of growing to do, a lot changing, I never claimed to be perfect. I never said other people should be either. So it kind of hurts to think that some people think that I haven't changed over the years. But then I think that maybe they just don't see it.

And after everything that has been going on with the "in law" I am over it, I doubt she'll ever change, and if she does then good for her, but I don't want to be anything like her, so even though it's hard, and if I think about it to much it still makes me angry, I have decided to forgive her, and let it go. So in my attempt to let it go. We actually talked today. I don't know whether it's a good idea or not, but I get tired of fighting with people. I still have my issues, but maybe in time things will get better. I wish she would realize though that even though her parent's sucked at raising her. That my parent's are not hers. They are her in laws. And maybe I need to get over that but it bugs me, and it bugs me bad.

I think I have insomnia again, considering it's 4 am and I have yet to go to bed. If I do fall asleep, I'm either having nightmares of some sort, or for some reason, she's in my dreams, talking to me, like everything was normal, like I never walked away. And I don't know if that's weird or not, but I think that is how my brain is wired.

I don't handle big groups of people well I never have, even far back as I can remember, they have always freaked me out and gave me really bad anxiety, which I think maybe part of my problem of why I don't spend enough time with my family, cause I do have a large family and as much as I love them, us all being in the same room, gives me more anxiety then I can handle most of the time, its only very rare occasions that I can handle it, I forced myself to handle it today. And all that did was end in giving me more anxiety then I wanted. But I got through that on my own to. If I can't handle big group's of people then how can I handle the outside world on my own?

I just want this week to be over, cause then it'll be a different month, and I think maybe that I can start handling things better, after all february has always been a pretty bad month for me anyway. I've been missing Garrett and Tina a lot lately, two people that got me through more then I am sure they will ever know, and some days I just want to talk to them, tell them whats going on, so they can tell me what I am suppose to do cause I think I am failing at this thing we call life..

I wish I lived in a state it actually rained and stormed. Then maybe I could sleep, and then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here writing, and listening to "rainstorm" on youtube. I guess I am going to stop rambling for now...

As it says.

I wish you knew...

What you was starting to mean to me. Even in that short amount of time.

I Don't Understand...

Why you're in my head.

You sure won't go away though. We knew each other what three weeks? Maybe four. It seemed to be working though, so I don't know what happened. But you sure are stuck in my head. Why? What it is about you?

Part of me wants you to go away. The other part don't want you too.. Either way I don't think you will...

I'm beginning to think to think there was a reason you showed up, I just didn't see it then. Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows.

Maybe it is true. About being the dreaming of a person.. I don't know. You sure won't come back on your own to prove it.

videos

with that im goin to bed, cause ill sit here, posting videos. and not sleeping..

Family Crap...

Sorry I ain't been writing, I feel like I am already failing on the things I want to do this year, and it just started..

The last couple weeks, have been nothing but family drama, and drama of any kind. It's wearing me down. Nobody knows that though.. my "in law" that belong's to my brother. Is quite different then I have ever met in a person before. She acts like she cares on the surface, but you get past that fake crap you realize that she don't care about anything but her own agenda, and whatever she wants to do. She only cares about herself, and she doesn't care what she does to the people around her. Well me being me and me being as protective as I am even though I don't show it...

Have been having problems with things that she has been doing, and the way that she has been treating certain people. So finally after I get pushed and pushed, and after enough hearing about things that have been done.. Because I seem to be the one that everybody talks to and I don't know why. But that's also besides the point.. I finally went off on this "in law" of course you know that didn't over very well, but I am not here to make her life better or to make her happy.. Well after much talking and after much fake apology's from her, she said that it wouldn't happen again. Although I kind of knew that that wasn't the truth even when it out of her mouth but I gave her the benefit of the doubt (big mistake but anyway)..

So I was talking to my best friend about it AGAIN. Cause once again, the "in law" done it again. Don't really surprise me, well being that my best friend is very protective of me and my mother, she didn't want things escalating like it has a habit of doing around here, into a really big thing. So she told the "in law" to just avoid me for a while because I was upset.. The next thing I know that "in law" is snapping on me. Because supposedly I was talking about her, instead of talking to her, after she had already told me after the last mess, not to talk to her about anything because I am a year older then her.. (stupid reason, but then again she isn't that bright). So I snapped right back at her.. And basically told me because I don't have a job, that it was my job to clean up after everybody, because I have all day to do it and she don't. And I told her that wasn't no damn excuse for not cleaning up after herself and her husband. Because they are grown.. She told me I am selfish, cruel, and the most hurtful person, she has ever met. That I'm spoiled and that I treat people like they are below me and I treat people like trash. That's been replaying in my head since it happened..

It's like she don't know how to be around people, or something I don't know. All I know is I have tried to be nice to her, and something like this always happens, and for some reason it ALWAYS gets turned around on me. Like she's making me out to be the bad person all the time.. She really just rubs me the wrong way. So We're not speaking, I don't know if we ever will. And I don't care to.. I know I ain't those things she says, but then it goes back to a part of me that has been buried, and I thought was long gone, so of course it bugs me..

It's just been a stressful start of the year.

I Don't Understand Some People...

I got to love how a certain person in my life, that is now related to me whether I like it or not. Because I have no choice in the matter, of how they are related to me will sit there, and lie about me to my best friend. Saying that I haven't been outta my room, well guess what I was outta my room a lot.. Because if I didn't, I wouldn't noticed, somebody had pecan pies in the oven and was no where in the house. And how I supposedly have a daily conversation with somebody I BARELY talk to.

Talked about some two faced people I have in my life as family. They are absolutely like my brother.. Lying on me for no reason, what so ever other than the fact that they can. And they make it so dang believable, that the person starts to believe it. But the good thing is that that person knows me better than anyone and also knows that I wouldn't lie to her..

I wish they had never moved back up here.. I love my brother and all but my life was drama free, an stress free until they moved back up here. All I know is the thing better stop lying on me to my best friends because it's only going to cause more problems because I will snap. I really do not understand some people. And I have a feeling I never will..

All the more reason for me to get what I need done, so I can find my own place. Because if their staying I'm leaving as soon as I am able to, its as simple as that..

Sitting here wishing and dreaming...

I've been here most of the morning and a good portion of the night. Thinking. It is all I ever seem to do, because I can't do the things that I want to do and the things that need to be done to have the life that I want. I know what needs to be done but certain things need to fall into place before it is possible for them to even be started. And I guess that's okay. But knowing me as well as I do I just want to hurry up and rush everything and get everything done when I want to get everything done. And unfortunely a lot of the time life is not like that and I understand that.. Trust me its not easy living in a house. With five other adults. We have two couples in the house, one's been married soon to be fourty-five years, and the other couple has been married coming up on two years. And boy being a single person in a house full of married people, it is not easy. And lately the only other one in the house that I could really just get along with, hasn't been the best person to get along with lately. And I don't know why. I don't understand it at all.

I honestly don't recommend living in a house with five other people. Unless you have the patients and calmness level of a saint. Which I do not. So for me it is just a lot of irritation and stress. That or maybe I just don't know how to get along with people. So most of my time is spent, not really trying to avoid them, it's just I don't really try to be around them either. Because it is always something, either one of them is mad at somebody for some reason. Or somebody has some problem with somebody for some other reason, and I just can not handle it.

I miss the quiet. I miss when it was just me and that one other person and my three animals. Unfortunely for me that is gone for a couple years at least. But hopefully soon, I will start to be able to have a life, and maybe get my own place one day, with my animals. But honestly I just miss home. Which for who ever reads this besides the one select person that I know reads it. And understand's what is going on. Home would be the gorgeous state of Kentucky. I've only been there twice, for a few months at a time, but even the first time was enough for me to fall in love with the state. And I hope one day that I will be able to move back there, and finally be home. Because Texas has never really been home to me, it has always just been a place I stay at. And it has been that way for years. I just didn't know how to explain it, until I finally got my chance, to move somewhere else for a little while.

It's been four days since New Years. And New Years was spent like every other New Years has been for as long back as I could remember. Watched part of the New Years Eve show with my Dad, and then watched the ball drop and then texted everybody I know to tell them Happy New Years. Because it is once again, another year. And even though my whole family could not be with us this year to spend the new years, I am just grateful that they are alive. Even though me and that person do not exactly get along as well as we probably should considering we grew up together. But it is what it is. And until somebody decides to let go of the past and forgive, then there is really nothing I can do about it, and nothing will ever get better. But while I was sitting there after the ball drop I watched all the couple's kiss the minute the clock stuck twelve. And all I could think about it is, it yet another year that I get to bring in alone. It's not that I am jealous of the other couples because I really ain't. But why is it I can't seem to find somebody? Am I really that unloveable?

Anyway I am just rambling it seems..

Wishing and dreaming for a future that does not seem to be in my direct path right now, and it makes a part of me sad.

Why Make Resolutions?

First blog in 2013.

I realize that I need to start writing more, whether it be a little bit, or a long one, something, anything. It makes me the happiest, writing, it always has. And I am not sure why I even stopped. Anyway.. 

The thing I've been thinking about the last couple days. Why do people vow to do things in the new year, when we all know, the good majority of the time, it never gets done, what is the point? Example: Vow to be a better person, do they really think that it's going to happen over night, that they don't have to work for it to be that way? Most of people's resolutions do not happen, because they do not work for it. And yes I am one of those people, that never get them done either. So I am not complaining just speaking in general. It just makes no sense to me. Probably never will, but that's alright, because it does not need to. With that being said. Not making a resolution for it to happen or making a vow to make it to happen.

What I would like to see happen in my life in 2013.

 1. Get my license, that is definitely a necessity.

 2. Get a job, and make some money while also saving some.

3. Get my GED so maybe one day I can go to college.. or at least my GED.

4. Probably one that needs to be one of the number one thing that would be nice to do is to stop cussing, as much as I do. If it at all...

5. Try to be a better christian, I know I have failed in the past, but I have come to realize over the past year. That it is something that I need to do for me.

6. Along with getting a job, I would love to make a life for myself, so that way in the future, it'll be a possibility that I have kids if me and whoever I ever get with wants them.

7. Be more independent. (making better decision's for myself, and not relying on people so much - although i will still rely on my best friends of course).

8. Write more. Alot more.

9. Hopefully find somebody that I can have a relationship with. And try not be so close minded to the option of being with a guy. All guys are not the same, and it's about time I started to realize that, and not blame the whole race for the faults of a few that was in my life, and a couple who still are in my life. While also being a little more open to people in my life, and letting more people into my life. (boy that's going to be big one to fill).